My ex never cleaned out his trolley at the office

Last Wednesday, I was in the office. There are a number of trolleys (lockers on wheels) that are locked at work. A full-time employee can get a trolley to store their belongings, as we don't have assigned desks.

The facilities manager unlocked a bunch of them. There is a high demand for them now that we are at the office more often.

I heard my manager look at the contents of one of the lockers:

This person has a toothbrush. He lived here. He was a trainer. He's long gone.

This trainer was my ex.  He left the company maybe two years ago. He never bothered heading to the office to fetch his belongings. 

The toothbrush detail was interesting. Frankly, he was more concerned about flossing, but the toothbrush was a close second.

I miss the good times being with him. I don't miss being treated like dirt and having my heart torn apart. It took a lot of strength to kick him to the curb when he wanted sex without a relationship. Dumb.

Skype

Microsoft is retiring Skype. Its two-decade existence will be a memory soon. It makes sense as Microsoft can focus on Teams.

In a way, it ends a chapter in my life. Whenever my ex-boyfriend and I would chat when he was on the road, we used Skype.

It's bittersweet. When our relationship was fresh and new, I loved chatting on Skype with him. There were a few times where he removed me as a contact. I didn't know why. He'd eventually add me back. I got anxiety when he did remove me as a contact. It was the same with Facebook. I feared that he didn't want to be with me when he removed me as a contact. I look back and it seems so silly, but it was real and caused a lot of anxiety.

I don't miss the various connection issues that we faced using Skype.

When he broke my heart, I removed him as a contact on Skype. He sent me a contact request. I ignored it.

It was a bit of his own medicine. I'm glad that I could reciprocate.

At work, we use Teams. Before that, we used Skype. I won't miss it.

The ex and I never communicated on Teams at work. He had left the company just before we switched to Teams.

Skype is a good marker. It cements how final our relationship is.

Visiting the old workplace and thinking of the ex

Within the last month, I have visited my old workplace a couple of times. Both times, I was there to use the washroom. It was the office before the company that I worked for got acquired by my current one.

I stood outside this building and memories flooded in. The ex-boyfriend touched my hand holding a Starbucks peppermint mocha. Steps away, in the parking lot, he popped open his car's trunk on Valentine's Day to give me a dozen roses.

Happy memories.

Naturally, I also thought of an unpleasant memory. There was one incident in particular where I texted him and he never responded. It caused anxiety.

Our relationship had many moments of anxiety. He removed me as a contact on Skype and I panicked. He added me back later on.

Since we broke up, I removed him as a contact on Skype. He sent me a request. I never added him back.

I doubt that he experienced the same anxiety. I am far more sensitive of a person to feel that void. He doesn't have that same sensitivity.

It's interesting how we were an item for nearly eight years and how it abruptly dissolved. The fact that I was with an emotionally inept person seems so odd to me now. I miss the happy times, but I'm glad that I don't feel those moments of anxiety anymore.

This used to be my playground

On Saturday, I spent some time checking out my old elementary school from the outside. Naturally, it's closed on weekends. It's also closed thanks to yet another lockdown that our province is under.

The general layout and building looks the same. I miss the old playground, though. I had so much fun with an apparatus with tire swings, and more to play on.

I guess hopscotch is outdated. All those lines are gone. However, a square with four small squares in it still exists. Weird.

A lot of memories flooded in. It was nice to reminisce and think of simpler times. 

Mr Men = Spongebob

Yesterday, I decided to get a Happy Meal from McDonald's. I haven't had one since I was a kid.

Why did I get one? It's offering Mr Men as the toy. I grew up with the Mr Men series, so it's a nostalgic thing.

Well, I specified the Mr Men Happy Meal. What did I get? Spongebob. Ugh!

Apparently, Mr Men all got a facelift and became Spongebob. I will try again soon and hope that the folks at my local McD's get my order correct!

Cupcakes and an orchestra performance

On Saturday, I picked up a perk, which consisted of two cupcakes. They had plenty of butter. I loved every bite!

I won a pass to see the Louisville Orchestra perform virtually. Its first performance for me was on Saturday. It was awesome!

I used to play the viola and clarinet growing up. It was nice reliving those memories while seeing professionals show their creativity and skill.

Memories of my friend and bedposts

It's March. A year ago, I travelled to the States. It was my last trip there. It was my last hotel stay.

It's crazy that I have been working from home for nearly a year. After this trip, I was asked to isolate at home. There were neither any COVID-19 cases in Minnesota, nor Ontario.

A year ago today, I had lunch with my dear friend in Minnesota. Little did we know that it would be our last get-together before she got diagnosed with Leukemia.

I miss her. I do have a happy memory to share.

Years ago, I returned to Minnesota to return my leased car. I had a three-year lease, but only worked in the States for two years before I got laid off. The car stayed in Canada with me for a year before I drove it down. I stayed with my friend in Iowa.

She let me know about a cool hotel that we needed to check out in her town. We went with her family. The hotel gave tours. We went upstairs to the bedroom. There was a couple looking around. The man looked at the bedposts. 

"These posts are so high. I could tie you up against them," he said to his partner.

He looked at my friend and me, a bit embarrassed. I seized the opportunity to say something.

"Too much information," I said with a smirk, which made my friend and I laugh.

I wish that I remembered what the name of that hotel was. I hope that it's still there.

Video of my late friend

I wanted to sleep in on Friday. I did manage to get more sleep, but I received a couple of text messages at 09:00.

They were from my dear friend's husband. She had passed away in early January. He was using her phone to text me, like he did back in January, and said that it automatically put all photos featuring her into a video. He then texted me this video.

It's a nice keepsake to have. When we met up, we rarely took photos together or of each other. I have a handful of them from trips spent with her over the years and I cherish them. This video is special, to remember her by.

The last photo is recent one, probably closer to her passing. She looked thin and tired, which would be expected going through chemotherapy.

I have been thinking about her often. It's nice that I am now keeping in touch with her husband.

Grieving and celebrating my friend's life

On Saturday, I attended my friend's funeral online. It was my first experience attending a virtual funeral. I am grateful that the funeral home offered this service.

It allowed me to attend when the Canada-US border continues to be closed due to COVID-19. It's also nice for those who can't travel or want to stay safe to attend remotely.

It was a beautiful celebration of my friend and her life. There were many parts of the service that made me smile. Essentially, my friend organized her own funeral and made sure that we were all taken care of. She was always that way, including right up to her death.

I may write more about what was said and share in another post. Right now, I am simply reflecting and appreciate her even more.

I didn't write the previous day. On Friday night, I decided to grieve in my own way. I played music that she loved. It brought back fond memories of both of us attending these performances live and enjoying these songs together.

Thoughts about my friend and memories of her

Losing a friend is heartbreaking. I wrote my thoughts in a virtual condolence book. I felt that what I had written was a nice tribute to my friend.

I keep thinking about all the wonderful memories that we made over the years. I will treasure them.

I'd like to take a day off to properly mourn her. Unfortunately, I am training a new intern. Instead, I'll defer it by leaving work early on Friday. 

Her funeral is on Saturday. Luckily, it will be streamed online. The border between the States and Canada is still closed. At least I can still say goodbye.

Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

Good day with a crumbling memory

Monday was great. I vacuumed and washed my car. I also filled it up with gas.

I managed to pick up food from the two places that I had in mind in downtown Toronto I also visited my old neighbourhood.

I feel like my past is crumbling as the years go by. As I passed by the apartment building where I spent my first nineteen years of life, two men were destroying the concrete front steps. I am sure that they've been there for decades, well before I was alive.

I felt completely relaxed being a tourist in my hometown. I should do this excursion more often when I have a day off.

A different kind of Monday

I am taking Monday off from work in lieu of working the hours late last week. I have a relaxed, yet somewhat adventurous plan.

I do need to vacuum my car. Here's hoping that I can do it safely. I suspect that it won't be all that busy.

Last week, I was hoping to venture into the city. I never made it. Instead, that's my goal for today. I'm now picking up two food orders. I also hope to take in the new Toronto sign that was recently installed.

After that, I may visit either a cafe that is offering a free beverage or visit my old neighbourhood where I grew up to reminisce.

Throwing out the past and finding an NHL team to cheer in the playoffs

 I spent Sunday getting rid of things at home. This task will take a while, but I have made some decent progress. 

Many were either reminders of my ex-guy, such as a fake flower in a vase that he got, along with my manager at the time and an intern when I went into the hospital for surgery. It was back in 2011, shortly after we had started dating.

Looking at this item doesn't bring me joy anymore. It occupies space on my dresser and I needed to get rid of it.

As for hockey, the Winnipeg Jets, Minnesota Wild, and Toronto Maple Leafs have ended their playoff season. I don't know which team I should cheer on now.

Taking it easy and looking forward to a long weekend

I spent Monday taking it easy. I needed a break from work.

I watched touching videos about Regis Philbin and reminisced about how much I loved watching him on television. He was a sweet, decent man. I am sad about his passing.

This weekend is a long one, with Civic Holiday on Monday. I look forward to taking a break. I would normally do a road trip and stay at a hotel somewhere, but I don't feel right about doing one during a pandemic. Instead, I will continue going out to visit a new business or restaurant, and keep things local and low key.

Leafing through magazines and memories

Last night, I found stacks of magazines as far back as 2005. It has been therapeutic throwing them out.

I end up leafing through the magazines before I chuck them out. It's nice to have a snapshot of what things were like years ago.

Some goodies include the following:

• A flyer from Zellers. The final two Zellers stores that remained in Canada closed a couple of months ago.
• A billing statement from Columbia House Canada. Yes, I loved subscribing to that service and getting CDs
• A rather heavy December copy of the Mpls St. Paul Magazine. I also managed to get a paper cut from it.
• A few credit card statements that served as bookmarks. I'm happy to say that all those accounts have been paid off and closed.

Good times on a Friday night. Have a great weekend!

Having comfort food and reliving good memories with my mom

It makes perfect sense to crave certain foods that bring comfort, or be comforted by something or someone during a pandemic. When it comes to the former, I seem to love carbs.

The other night, my mom and I were reminiscing about meals that she used to cook when I was younger. She fried up some luncheon meat when we were in Hong Kong years ago. It was my first and only visit there. She had never made it until then. It was delicious. So simple. Yet, so good.

I grew up with her making macaroni in soup. Last night, I did takeout at a local Chinese restaurant that has a drive-thru. I got macaroni with veggies and fried luncheon meat in soup. It came with fried eggs, milk tea, and ham. I brought it come to have for dinner. It felt like the comfort food that my mom used to make.

It was yummy. It made me feel happy.

My ex's birthday and not wishing him a good one

Today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. It is the first in a long time where we are not a couple.

Although I am a thoughtful person, I have made the painful decision to not wish him a happy birthday. Saying a one-sentence greeting will prompt communication with him.

I don't want it. It would hurt. Thinking about him still does here and there.

I know how I felt when he had reached out to me a few times since he broke up with me. I didn't like him wishing me a happy 2020. It felt like a farce and incredibly insincere. I didn't like when he wished me a happy birthday last year. He was late, but made the claim that he was still on time. Whatever.

Although I miss his kisses, hugs, and conversation from time to time, the bottomline is that he broke my heart. It's not in my best interest to open up a healing wound by initiating conversation with the very person who hurt me.

Thoughts about being heartbroken

Part of me wishes that I could have a good cry over my breakup. I have yet to do it. I can barely shed a tear.

It has been an odd breakup. My heart is broken, but there is a strength that prevents me from going down any road of dispair.

I still think of him often. When I see a couple holding hands as they are walking somewhere, it reminds me of holding my ex-guy's hand. We were happy. It felt good.

I miss that feeling. I know it'll happen again with the right person. It's just not the right time to start a romantic relationship. I need to focus on me.

And, that's perfectly okay. For me, it feels right to go at my own pace.

Life has its ups and downs

Life works in mysterious, wonderful ways. With sadness comes a silver lining.

I found out yesterday that my junior kindergarten teacher had passed away recently. She was musical. I remember singing in her class all the time and I loved it. It's likely one reason why I love music.

I posted her obituary on a social medium platform. A friend of mine revealed that we were likely in the same junior kindergarten class, but didn't know it. It's crazy to think that we have known each other since we were four years old! We forged a friendship in high school She switched elementary schools. Yet, we still have memories of truly knowing each other as four-year-old kids, but didn't make the connection until now.

Perhaps it's just a sign that our teacher's passing has sparked a new perspective on our friendship. Pretty cool!