Happy 2026! Thoughts and dry eye

Happy 2026! I hope that your year has started off well.

Where I am, we had a record snowstorm on Sunday. Toronto Pearson International Airport got 46 cm of snow. Those closest to Lake Ontario got 60 cm, including my old neighbourhood of the Beaches.

I live in the suburbs. I got a lot of snow. I don't think it was 60 cm. It was a lot.

Last year wasn't the best. I ended up with a stomach ulcer, which required some medication, yogurt, probiotics, and Gravol. The medication made me gag, which explains the Gravol. Since then, I do feel like I gag more when I see something that triggers that feeling.

Weird.

I keep on saying that I have a lot to say. I truly do. I have a lot to post about my mom's recovery from her broken arm and my difficult relationship with my dad.

I will start off with December and work my way backwards in 2025.

I get my eyes examined every two years in December. Earlier in the year, I noticed that my eyes were getting dry wearing contacts. My eyes felt gritty and I'd often take my contact lenses out.

For most of 2025, I wore my glasses instead. My eyeballs felt better. I'd be putting in eye drops whenever I needed them.

My eye doctor said that my eyes were in great shape and that my prescription hadn't changed. She did notice that the pores were clogged under my eyelids by natural oils. It explains my dry eye.

She recommended putting warm compresses over my eyelids to melt the oils. I did that by heating up a mask in the microwave. It felt great over my eyelids, but the heat would die down after ten minutes.

I bought a plug-in eye mask instead for more consistent heat. I use it every day over my eyelids for twenty minutes. It's me time. I like how relaxing the heat is.

I feel that this eye mask procedure has helped. I wore contacts lenses for the first time in months last week. I had them on for three hours. They were comfortable. I didn't feel any grit. 

I haven't tried wearing them to work. Baby steps. I'll probably wear them this Saturday when I run errands for a few hours and see how I feel.

I still use eye drops. I lubricate my eyeballs twice a day. It has been easy. I have eye drops in the washroom. I remember applying them after washing my face in the morning.

Just before bed, I apply eye drops before I fall asleep.

Time to use my eye mask. I'll try writing another post before January is over. I need to ease into writing more regularly again.

Chat with friends and revelations

It's raining right now. It's nearly 2 am.

Yesterday, I had a great time hanging out with a few friends in the afternoon. We chatted, and sipped on teas and shakes. The laughter and conversation were much needed.

For the first time in a while, I could talk about my nearly eight-year relationship with my ex with others. 

I made a few statements that I hadn't said out loud until now:

• I hate the ex's guts
• We work at the same company and have never seen each other since the breakup
• It has been three years and I'm happy not being in a relationship

Hate is a strong word. It's fitting for how I feel.

The ex hurt me, which caused sadness and anxiety for months until I was okay. He came back to ask for sex, but without the relationship. It made me angry. He wanted a free hooker to put out. It wasn't my style.

I also said to do you to my friends. That's exactly what I have been doing. I am doing what feels best to me. I am okay being on my own. Sure, I miss companionship and cuddling, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. 

It's all okay.

Three years being single

Today marks three years since my ex-guy broke up with me. Time flies. It also heals. 

I still think of the memories that we had. I also think about how wrong it was for me to be with someone who wasn't the best fit for me. I am in tune with my emotions. He wasn't and probably still isn't. 

I severed my connection with him on a number of applications, including Skype. I recently saw that he wanted it re-established on Skype. I haven't.

Although I miss having a special someone as my partner, I am not ready. And, that's okay.

Receiving my friend's voice message

Yesterday afternoon, I received a text message from my dear friend's hubby through my friend's cell phone. He had texted me a voice message from my friend that was played at her funeral service. He thought that I'd like to have it to remember her.

It was such a nice gesture. I texted him back and thanked him. I was grateful to have been able to attend her funeral from afar. Hearing her voice again was and still is comforting.

I sent him my love and thoughts to him and his daughter. He appreciated it.

It's hard to believe that it has been a week since I got the news about my friend's passing. Although I am healing, it will definitely take a while to get back to my regular self.

Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

Happy Easter!

To those who celebrate Easter, may it be joyous and peaceful.

On Saturday, I probably purchased the most expensive turkey in my life. I had to get one that was already stuffed. Slim pickings this year. That's okay. I look forward to leftovers.

Cooking is healing and comforting. I'll need it.

My heart's healing well!

My ex-guy's car has been parked at our workplace's parking lot for a month. When he first parked his car there after we had broken up, a ton of emotions came flooding in. Sad. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Probably more.

I worked from home Monday through Wednesday this week. I returned to work yesterday and his car was no longer there.

I felt okay. That's a good sign.

I'm still healing, but I'm making decent progress.

My friend is recovering well after surgery

My friend had surgery on her bowel. It got twisted, which caused her abdominal and back pain. She lives roughly two hours away from me.

I went to see her on Saturday. She is healing nicely. She was understandably tired, but in good spirits.

I have known her since we were both twelve years old. She is roughly two weeks older than I am.

Both of us never thought that we'd have surgery. I had back surgery eight years ago, almost to the day. I think she felt better when we talked about and shared our surgery experiences.

I gave her a card and a gift card. I wrote how much I appreciated her. I said that our friendship meant even more now.

She thanked me several times for coming. It was the least that I could do. The drive wasn't anything. I was thankful that I could brighten her day as she continues to recovery.

It was good seeing her. I hope to check up on her again soon.

I'm going to break your heart

Last week, on the plane going to Minneapolis, I watched a documentary called I'm Going to Break Your Heart. The documentary spotlights the relationship between Chantal Kreviazuk and Raine Maida, who have successful music careers and have been married for over twenty years.

They relationship has bumps. They are seen going to counselling. They work at their relationship, as head as it can get.

They wrote many songs together during this documentary. One of them was the title of this documentary. I lost it. I was crying on the plane.

My ex-guy broke my heart -- three times too many. We never went to counselling. Part of me wishes that we did, but he abruptly ended our relationship.

There are nights where I think of him. One part of me misses the good, fun parts of our relationship. I know that it isn't healthy to want to try it again. I do not want to be hurt by him again. I want better.

I continue to heal. It's not an easy journey. I get by one day at a time.

Reminders of a severed relationship and looking forward to travel

My ex-guy's car is parked at work again. This time around, seeing his car doesn't hurt as much.

He broke my heart. I find it difficult to have him in my life. It is far easier to sever ties with him. It is too painful to relive being happy in our relationship and having the plug pulled on a Monday -- likely the worst day of the week to break up. Then again, any day to select as a break-up day isn't great.

I have a few days before I fly off to the Twin Cities. I am excited to be back after nine years. It'll do me some good.

Healing and reading my book on healing after a breakup

I managed to continue reading my book on healing after a breakup. It has been helpful.

When my ex-guy told me that he wanted to end our relationship this past May, I went through a mild panic attack. When I told him the following day, he asked whether I should see a doctor to get medication. I told him that it's sorting out my feelings about losing someone that I love and that popping pills wasn't the first thing that I needed to do.

I know how I handle this type of panic attack. It's a question of knowing that I will be okay without him and that I will find happiness with someone down the road that makes the panic attack go away.

I was right. With time and the right frame of mind, I don't experience this mild panic anymore.

However, I still have moments of sadness. According to the book, it's normal. I knew that, too. It's nice to get confirmation that I'm doing just fine as I continue healing.

Sadness at night

I have moments of sadness. They typically happen in bed at night.

Last night was rough. I was sad about how my ex-guy had let me go. We shared so much and everything just ended.

Poof. Just like that.

It's unfortunate that I am a sensitive, feely person. It takes me a while to sort my emotions and get over this hump. I'm not on a strict healing schedule when I need to be happy now and in a relationship. I have been good on the most part. Being busy helps. Doing what I enjoy has been therapeutic.

At night, I'm simply lying in bed. Thinking. Memories rush in. I feel sad when they are about my ex-guy.

I still haven't been able to fully cry. My eyes get teary, but they don't fall down my face. I'm not as sad as I have been in the past when he has previously broken up with me.

I know that I deserve better. I deserve to be with a good guy who loves me and wants me.

I am hopeful. I just wish that these sad moments would fade, but that will take some more time.

Book on coping with a breakup and periodic thoughts about my ex-guy

A few weeks ago, I bought a book on how to cope with a breakup. I started reading the first chapter, but got busy with a couple of trips. The chapter that I did read put me at ease.

My problem isn't keeping busy. From being on vacation, and being out and about, to getting through work tasks, I don't have a chance to think about my ex-guy.

The problem occurs when I am not busy. My mind floats over to the loving moments that we had together, as well as the fact that I deserved better towards the end of our relationship. Before I go to bed, I think of him. When I am driving home and my commute is nothing to sneeze at, he pops up in my head. It just happens.

I didn't have this issue with my ex-hubby. The difference is that I loved my ex-guy. I fell out of love with the ex-hubby.

I am far from being over him. Baby steps. Gone is my mild anxiety about us not being a couple, which is a positive sign. 

This weekend, I hope to read more chapters out of this book. Perhaps my memories and thoughts of him will slowly subside.

Thoughts about my ex-guy

My ex-guy has written a couple of e-mails to me since we broke up and entered new territory as friends only. I haven't responded to them. Part of me wants to break free of him. I am not ready to continue on as friends, as if nothing has happened.

The other part of me feels the need to write back, just to say thanks and that's it. It simply is polite.

However, I am entitled to all the time that I need for me. He has hurt me three times too many. He also needed time for himself to come to the decision that he no longer wanted to be with me.

I am at a similar crossroads. The difference is determining whether I want to remain friends with him. Frankly, he needs me as a friend more than I do him.

I am not fully healed. I have moments where I despise him. I miss him from time to him, too. I also tear up when I think of all the intimate moments that we have spent together.

Will it get easier? Sure. It's a question of time. Time is slowly healing me. That's the catch. I don't know how much time I need, but I know that nearly 1.5 months isn't enough to get over him.

Sick day, Raptors parade, crying, and loan

I decided to take a sick day on Monday. I am still getting rid of a cold and a mild cough. I also needed time for myself. Call it a healing day.

I went out to a movie and saw John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum. I have seen every John Wick movie. This one was okay. It wasn't my favourite. If you like tons of sword-slaying and gun-shooting action, this movie is for you.

Monday was also the Toronto Raptors parade. I decided not to partake, as I would be miserable all congested with a bunch of people for hours. I watched the entire parade and other coverage on TV. I cried. It was tears of joy and pride. I also felt good that I could let out a good cry. I haven't been able to since my guy broke up with me.

One final milestone on Monday was that I paid off my loan that I have had for years. My loan account no longer exists when I log in to my bank app. I am proud of myself for paying it off. I have more flexibility to allocate what I used to pay towards my loan to paying off other debt. I also want to save again and bulk up my emergency fund.