Saturday, June 29, 2019

Vacation starts now

I'm all packed and ready for my road trip. Let my vacation begin!

I'll write more once I am checked in and am not thinking about going to bed!

It's the Canada Day long weekend. To my fellow Canadians, have a safe and happy one!

Friday, June 28, 2019

Purple sunglasses

I experienced a touching, thoughtful moment at work on Thursday. I came into the office and noticed a pair of company-branded sunglasses on my desk. They were purple.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that purple is my favourite colour. Someone deliberately got me a pair of purple sunglasses. I was happy.

Later on in the day, I found out from a colleague, who is also my friend, that our boss and my student both said to our office administrator that I would like the purple pair. The sunglasses were distributed on Wednesday. I was working from home that day.

Ah, they all know me well. It may seem like a small gesture, but it meant a lot to me.

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Achy body, stronger heart, and reflection

I am still achy. It helped that I worked from home on Wednesday. I got to take it easier than if I were at work.

It has taken a while for me to realize that all the stress at work and in my life has finally hit me. I truly need to take it easy.

Yesterday marked my ex-husband's birthday. I didn't feel anything. I suppose that being in such an unhealthy relationship has made me numb. I hope that he is okay in heaven.

I do feel differently about my recent breakup. I loved my guy. I didn't feel the same way about my ex-hubby. I fell out of love with him, but stayed with him until I had the strength to leave.

It's good to know that time has healed me with my ex-hubby. Here's hoping that I am at that same peace of mind with my guy soon.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

Packing and chicken wings

I have started packing for my upcoming road trip. I am excited, even though I am tired from working on a major software release.

I went to work on Tuesday. Normally, I work from home. I was there to have a team lunch. It involved chicken wings, for which I have a huge weakness. Yum!

The unfortunate part was that I had leftovers and I left them at the restaurant. It may have been a blessing in disguise, though. I ordered peppery wings, which irritate my throat. I'm not fully recovered from my cold.

It's okay. I got the wings for half-price. I am not all that bummed out about it. I can always go back in future.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Achy, knotted body

My body is one huge spasm. I probably walked too much on Saturday.

It has been ages since I've had a back spasm on my right side. Yep, it's back. At work, my lower back was achy all day on Monday.

My neck has also been pretty tight. I blame work and how knotted I seem to be over the various stresses. I also think my breakup has something to do with it.

Although I walked a ton on Saturday, I was relaxed. Working with a few people who are incompetent has affected me in an odd way. The good thing is that I am a few days away from leaving work behind and being on vacation.

Friday afternoon couldn't come any sooner!

In the meantime, I have been stretching out my back and staying hydrated. So far, it's helping.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Fun weekend with friends and upcoming vacation

It has been a good weekend. I got together with a couple of friends on Saturday. I was out for practically the entire day, which was the main reason why I didn't have anything to post here. I was tired from being out and about.

I still have moments of sadness. They mostly happen at night, just before I fall asleep.

Last week, I received my book on how to handle a breakup. I need to find time to read it. I am off on vacation starting this upcoming weekend, so it'll give me some time to relax, unwind, and read.

Weekends are way too short. Luckily, it's my last workweek before I can make this upcoming one much longer.

Friday, June 21, 2019

Rush hour traffic is horrible, especially when the weather is poor

I left work on Thursday at 17:00. It's considered early for me.

I had an event to attend in my neck of the woods. I allowed two hours to get there. I got there with 13 minutes to spare.

Traffic is horrible in the greater Toronto area. I was actually on a toll highway, which should have taken me half that time, at most, on a good day. This highway was slow, thanks to all the rain coming down, some sort of accident along the way, and just plain slowness during rush hour.

The event that I attended was both indoors and outdoors. Luckily, it wasn't a windy day. It was pretty mild. I was happy with my umbrella. It ended up being a great night.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

Wedding proposal and groping butts

Ah, a fun wedding proposal! I like how all the guys didn't seem to mind getting their butts groped. I like how the woman knew exactly what her guy's butt felt like.

The proposal video is cute. Go watch it!

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Working on a sick day and enjoying it

On Tuesday, I took a sick day. The weird thing was that I did work. Quietly. No distractions. It was nice.

I liked not having my instant messaging app showing that I'm available. I liked not having folks asking me questions throughout the day.

I have a task where I need to rename a number of properties in our documentation. It was great going through a good chunk of the work. It was also nice to not answer e-mails.

Luckily, I am working from home today. Sadly, I have a couple of conference calls to participate in. At least I sound less congested and my cold is on its way out.

I do wish that I worked with a more competent colleague. I may just call her the idiot going forward. I couldn't have chosen a more accurate nickname for her.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Sick day, Raptors parade, crying, and loan

I decided to take a sick day on Monday. I am still getting rid of a cold and a mild cough. I also needed time for myself. Call it a healing day.

I went out to a movie and saw John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum. I have seen every John Wick movie. This one was okay. It wasn't my favourite. If you like tons of sword-slaying and gun-shooting action, this movie is for you.

Monday was also the Toronto Raptors parade. I decided not to partake, as I would be miserable all congested with a bunch of people for hours. I watched the entire parade and other coverage on TV. I cried. It was tears of joy and pride. I also felt good that I could let out a good cry. I haven't been able to since my guy broke up with me.

One final milestone on Monday was that I paid off my loan that I have had for years. My loan account no longer exists when I log in to my bank app. I am proud of myself for paying it off. I have more flexibility to allocate what I used to pay towards my loan to paying off other debt. I also want to save again and bulk up my emergency fund.

Monday, June 17, 2019

Sick, missing, and tired

I am still sick. I will likely take a sick day from work today. Currently, my nose is stuffed up, I'm tired, and I have a slight cough.

Being sick makes me think more about my guy breaking up with me. I miss what we had. I don't miss being hurt, as I'm already there.

He just sent me a video to watch. In his own way, he misses me. It makes me even more upset that he is perfectly fine carrying on. I can't do that. I need time to grieve. He isn't in tune with his emotions as much as I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Although I have moments of sadness, I cannot sob in despair like I did the two previous times that he broke up with me. It's that inner strength this time that demands being treated better. It is his loss. I simply need to move on. It will happen with time.

I took naps throughout the day on Sunday. I felt better after each nap, but I am tired. I believe that I have earned a sick day to shake this cold off and heal from this breakup.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

Rocketman, affection, and a cold

On Saturday, I went to see Rocketman at long last at the theatre. I loved it. I love movies about music and the lives of rock stars, both fictional and fact.

At one point in the movie, Elton John is on the phone with his mom, coming out as a gay man. She says to him that she knows, "You'll never be loved properly." It was a sad moment on how removed his parents were at dishing out affection.

It made me a bit sad that I don't have a man to dish out affection these days. I also miss the companionship. They are minor for me right now, as I need time to heal emotionally after this breakup. I decided to buy a book on healing after a relationship ends. Although I am doing well under the circumstances, I still have moments of sadness when memories flood in. Having a resource to get me through it doesn't hurt.

I have a slight cough and a stuffed up nose. I am on cold medication and am drinking a lot of fluids. I hope that the extra rest that I'm getting this weekend will help.

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Coming down with a cold, having fond memories, and seeing a movie

The good news is that the workweek is over. My team got our software release work done ahead of schedule.

The bad news? I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. My nose is running and stuffy. I also have a slight sore throat. Ugh!

I took a nap for nearly an hour. It happened two hours ago. It's not a normal thing for me. I am hoping that some extra hours of sleep will kick my cold to the curb.

Now that things are less hectic, my guy not being the love of my life anymore has set in. I think of the fond memories that we have shared, but am also annoyed at how he decided to call it quits. I truly deserved a lot better.

I am hoping to go see a movie later on today. I have amassed a ton of points that it's time to splurge. I also have a movie gift card to use. I need some time for me and perhaps a hot dog.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Raptors win! Raptors are the NBA 2019 champions!

Oh, my gosh! The Raptors did it! They won and are the champions in the NBA for 2019!

Yay! We the north.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

St. Louis Blues are Stanley Cup champions! Here's to beer and Gloria!

The St. Louis Blues have won the Stanley Cup. Yay!

I have had a fun arrangement with my manager. When the Blues win a playoff hockey game, he owes me a beer. He has already bought me one beer. I have three more beers coming my way.

As for me, I promised to play Laura Branigan's song, Gloria. It's the Blues song that's played when the team wins. Deal!

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Startled dreaming about my ex and being taken for granted at work

After a fairly long day working from home, I took a nap. I had been up since 06:45.

I had a dream about my guy kissing me on the lips and holding me like he used to. I woke up startled. I was in a slight panic.

It was a dream. I was relieved.

At first, I thought that the dream signalled that I missed him in my life. It wasn't that. I miss being affectionate with someone who will reciprocate. These days, I hug my stuffed purple sheep and penguin. It's not the same, but I am comforted by them.

Work continues to be stressful. I realize that I have some colleagues who take me for granted. I actually shut a person down because he was whining over a change that I had made to correct the version syntax that he got wrong. Apparently, I am supposed to let the world know about his mistake. He found it a pain to send everyone a revised hyperlink. I told him that my team is busy building documentation builds and pushing out a major release, which finally silenced him. He isn't a quarter as busy as I am.

My incompetent member continues to show me that she is a horrible listener and can't do tasks on her own. I don't understand why I end up with idiots on my team.

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Short post for a busy week

It's a busy week at work. Last week was highly stressful dealing with yet another incompetent person on my team. I will need a post to describe that fiasco.

I have finally calmed down about the situation. I am so glad. It was highly frustrating dealing with her.

She has finally realized that she has damaged our rapport. I no longer trust her to independently do her work. She messed up and she knows it. I'll elaborate in a future post.

I am working from home on Tuesday. Sadly, I have an early morning conference call. I am in the office for the remainder of this week. It's not bad, but I would rather be sleeping in.

Monday, June 10, 2019

Stronger - then and now

When Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, came out back in 2011, it became my anthem on multiple levels.

I was dealing with a colleague who was incompetent. It seems to still be the trend at my workplace these days. This guy was originally my manager. He had issues doing his job. Sleeping on the job will do that. Eventually, he made enemies with everyone, including me, and decided to leave the company.

I was going a back issue during this ordeal. I ended up getting back surgery to remove a disk that was causing a ton of numbness and pressure down my right leg. My guy and I became a couple just before I had surgery. Stronger became my song to get better and be my best self.

Frankly, I stopped tearing up a week ago. I was driving home from work and Stronger came on the radio. The lyrics hit me. It's okay to be sleep alone. The bed does feel warmer. It doesn't mean that I am over because you're gone.

It's trying to find the person that I was before the relationship. I have found her. I am hopefully wiser after this relationship, but I am strong and I will be okay.

In a past post, I had mentioned that I deserve better. I do, both in a romantic relationship and in a friendship. I am perfectly fine walking away from my friendship with him. I don't need to deal with his indecisiveness.

Last Friday, we had lunch together. There were a couple of hints that he still has feelings for me, but I didn't act on them.
"I have always loved your purple nail polish," he said.
"It's not the same colour. The one that you are referring to is long gone. I used the bottle up," I replied.
As we walked out of the restaurant, he touched my lower back. He hasn't done that in ages. I am thinking that it is habit more than anything.

When we got to the office, I simply said, "See you whenever," and walked away. It's exactly how I feel. I am not waiting for you. I don't want us to get back together. It's over. I am moving on and seeking someone who loves and respects me.

As for diving into a relationship, I'm not ready yet. I am going to enjoy some time to myself. If something happens, I'll figure it out then. Right now, I can't handle being in a relationship.

Thursday, June 06, 2019

The breakup - for the third and likely final time

It has been well over a week. I needed some time to think about what had happened. The problem is that I have been pretty active and busy that I haven't had a chance to grieve.

My guy decided to call it quits. Quits means romantically. He wants to remain friends.

We have been together for years. For me, the withdrawal symptoms of not being affectionate towards someone have been tough.

I am oddly taking this breakup well. In the past, when he previously broke my heart twice, I was devastated each time. I sobbed and cried.

This one still hurts. I tear up now and again. I haven't gone into full-fledge sobbing or a good cry, though. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps I have, too.

I am more active now than I was the last two times that he broke my heart. I go out of various meetups. I am working on blog posts here and my side projects. Work has kept me busy.

I am only sad at night when I am not on the move. I sit on my bed, look at my purple sheep named Woolly, and go back to the exact moment when my guy gave Woolly to me.

I don't have that feeling of getting rid of all his stuff. I hug my purple plush sheep and I'm good. He is always smiling back at me.

In the past, I had to sever any relationship after we broke up. Part of me still wants to, as it has aleays been easier for me to heal. There were recent periods when I would say hi in a text message to him and I wouldn't get a thing. He would not communicate with me for weeks. I knew that something was up.

I said to him that if we were to be friends, I need better communication. Otherwise, I am perfectly find saying goodbye to him forever. He said that it wouldn't happen. In this regard, as much as he is my best friend, he actually needs my friendship more than I do of his. I will give it a shot. If I hate what we have, I will walk away. I have no regrets.

He didn't break up with me because he found someone new. He just has other side projects going on that love and sex have taken a backseat. I have always been accommodating to his needs. For me, I know that I deserve better. I am willing to find it with someone out there when I am ready.

In the meantime, I look forward to spending time with a good friend this weekend. Work is driving me crazy. My guy and I have had lunch a handful of times over the last 1.5 weeks. We have been good.

He asked me if I wanted a hug last Friday. We hugged. I needed it. It felt different, but it felt comforting.

Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, got me out of moments of sadness earlier this week. I will explain more in another post.

I am okay. It is a life shift. I'm not even sure if I can call him my guy here. I will probably need to think of a better name.

Tuesday, June 04, 2019

My barista and Stronger

I have a cheerful story to share. It happened to me on Monday evening. I will back up a bit.

On Saturday, I visited my local cafe. I went through the drive-thru and chatted with one barista who has always been kind to me. I asked whether he had the weekend off. He did, except that he was representing this cafe in a barista competition. Wow! He is the best in this city. I was impressed!

I wished him good luck. He suggested that I follow this cafe on Instagram. I did.

I found out late on Sunday night that this barista won the entire competition! I was so happy and proud of him.

On Monday evening, I went through the drive-thru of this cafe to pick up my beverage and he was there.
"Congratulations!" I exclaimed, which made him happy.
"Thank you so much!" he said, humbly.
"Hey, she found out pretty fast," said his colleague.
We had a decent chat about his experience. I am so happy that he got such a well-deserved award. I am glad that I deal with the best.

As for me, Monday was a crazy day at work, which led to my forgetting to attend a dinner. I thought that it was on Tuesday. Oops! Instead, I got a hot dog from Costco and a chocolate sundae from McDonald's.

I am more upbeat today, thanks to listening to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger." I will elaborate more on what has happened over the past week shortly.