Happy 2026! Thoughts and dry eye

Happy 2026! I hope that your year has started off well.

Where I am, we had a record snowstorm on Sunday. Toronto Pearson International Airport got 46 cm of snow. Those closest to Lake Ontario got 60 cm, including my old neighbourhood of the Beaches.

I live in the suburbs. I got a lot of snow. I don't think it was 60 cm. It was a lot.

Last year wasn't the best. I ended up with a stomach ulcer, which required some medication, yogurt, probiotics, and Gravol. The medication made me gag, which explains the Gravol. Since then, I do feel like I gag more when I see something that triggers that feeling.

Weird.

I keep on saying that I have a lot to say. I truly do. I have a lot to post about my mom's recovery from her broken arm and my difficult relationship with my dad.

I will start off with December and work my way backwards in 2025.

I get my eyes examined every two years in December. Earlier in the year, I noticed that my eyes were getting dry wearing contacts. My eyes felt gritty and I'd often take my contact lenses out.

For most of 2025, I wore my glasses instead. My eyeballs felt better. I'd be putting in eye drops whenever I needed them.

My eye doctor said that my eyes were in great shape and that my prescription hadn't changed. She did notice that the pores were clogged under my eyelids by natural oils. It explains my dry eye.

She recommended putting warm compresses over my eyelids to melt the oils. I did that by heating up a mask in the microwave. It felt great over my eyelids, but the heat would die down after ten minutes.

I bought a plug-in eye mask instead for more consistent heat. I use it every day over my eyelids for twenty minutes. It's me time. I like how relaxing the heat is.

I feel that this eye mask procedure has helped. I wore contacts lenses for the first time in months last week. I had them on for three hours. They were comfortable. I didn't feel any grit. 

I haven't tried wearing them to work. Baby steps. I'll probably wear them this Saturday when I run errands for a few hours and see how I feel.

I still use eye drops. I lubricate my eyeballs twice a day. It has been easy. I have eye drops in the washroom. I remember applying them after washing my face in the morning.

Just before bed, I apply eye drops before I fall asleep.

Time to use my eye mask. I'll try writing another post before January is over. I need to ease into writing more regularly again.

Chat with friends and revelations

It's raining right now. It's nearly 2 am.

Yesterday, I had a great time hanging out with a few friends in the afternoon. We chatted, and sipped on teas and shakes. The laughter and conversation were much needed.

For the first time in a while, I could talk about my nearly eight-year relationship with my ex with others. 

I made a few statements that I hadn't said out loud until now:

• I hate the ex's guts
• We work at the same company and have never seen each other since the breakup
• It has been three years and I'm happy not being in a relationship

Hate is a strong word. It's fitting for how I feel.

The ex hurt me, which caused sadness and anxiety for months until I was okay. He came back to ask for sex, but without the relationship. It made me angry. He wanted a free hooker to put out. It wasn't my style.

I also said to do you to my friends. That's exactly what I have been doing. I am doing what feels best to me. I am okay being on my own. Sure, I miss companionship and cuddling, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. 

It's all okay.

A colleague saying hi and sending a virtual hug

On Friday, a colleague whom I haven't chatted with for a few months pinged me on Teams. She said hi, wanted to know that I was good, and sent me a hug from afar. It was so sweet of her.

On the whole, our working relationship has been decent. I've been at this company for nearly eleven years and she was there when I started.

We had some rough waters when she transitioned from a quality assurance team lead to a program manager on my team. She was so stressed out that she took some of that out on me and I wouldn't have it.

Eventually, another colleague took over my role on those two teams as I moved over to reviewing everyone's work on our writing team. When this colleague resigned, I had to step back in and complete the work that she hadn't done. That's when the program manager realized how valuable my contributions were and our working relationship went back to what it was before. I completed everything that the previous person had left behind and the program manager was thankful.

Late last year, she was involved in a serious car crash. My manager let me know about it because he knew that we had worked closely together. I sent her e-mails of encouragement and let her know that I was pulling for her.

It's great when you have a lovely chat with someone on a Friday afternoon. She is doing much better these days, which is wonderful news.

Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

Enjoying a break

I have good and bad days, as do many folks. 

Although it has been over a year since my relationship ended, part of me misses the affection and playfulness of being with a partner. The other part of me knows that I'm not ready to be in a relationship at this stage. I'm okay with a break.

Having friends to talk to, keeping busy with my hobbies, and putting my thoughts down in this blog have been more than helpful. However, there are some days where I want to be by myself, lay in bed, and do nothing. I want to take a break from doing hobbies and blogging. I simply enjoy doing nothing.

And, it's okay. I work hard. Downtime is okay.

So, I have missed a blog post here and there. I know that there is no need to justify why. I'm good. I just need some downtime for myself now and again.

Telling the ex that he's an insensitive jerk

Last night, I had a texting conversation with my ex-guy. He is indeed an insensitive jerk.

He wanted to know how I was doing. I said that he didn't need to check up on me. He said okay and wished me goodnight.

That's when I called him an insensitive jerk. He never asked me how I was doing after he had dumped me. He told me to take a pill when I was experiencing anxiety after he broke the news. Why is he so concerned now? It's a facade that he cares. It's a joke.

To make a long story short, he wants our friendship to continue. He doesn't want a relationship. He does want fun and sex. I told him no back in April. It's still no now. If he wants sex without a relationship, perhaps he needs a prostitute. I know that he wouldn't because he's too cheap to pay for this service.

What nerve!

I told him that I hated him. Hate is a strong word, but I do for the pain, anxiety, and sadness that he has caused. I also said that he confirmed last night that he is an insensitive person who only cares about his hard cock, which is where his brain is.

It felt good to say that it was his loss for dumping me -- that he didn't know how good he had it. I also gave him advice to read books on relationships and friendships. He needs all the help he can get. He can post reviews on his YouTube channel and refer back to them, because he sucks at friendships and relationships.

I basically said that I didn't want what little was left of our friendship and told him not to contact me again.

I slept well. It's quite the change from April where I was so upset. I know that I deserve better. It's just sad that I dated a jerk.

I have removed him as a contact on Skype. It felt good getting rid of baggage.

The voicemail-blocking app works!

Good news! My phone app that not only blocks unwanted calls, but also disconnects them from heading over to voicemail works well.

The stalking ex called my number yesterday evening. I looked at the app and sure enough, the call was blocked and I didn't get any voicemail. Yay!

It is scary when someone doesn't accept no for an answer and is in denial that the relationship is over. Constantly calling me isn't helpful. This app is great and I am happy with it so far.

On a completely different note, I am able to do twenty pushups in a row. Roughly two weeks ago, I could barely do five. I'm pleased. My biceps are slowly toning up.

This weekend went by too quickly. Here's to another workweek at home.

The ex-guy strikes a text conversation

A few posts ago, I wrote about my ex-guy sending me a short e-mail after realizing that I had not sent him any birthday greetings this year. He had included a picture of two purple birds. Purple is my favourite colour. I read that the two birds represented us.

Well, unfortunately, I was correct.

When I was writing yesterday's blog post, he texted me. I fought through putting that post up, as I was upset.

Ever since he has broken up with me, I have not shed a tear over him. I cried on and off yesterday. The hurt and painful feelings came flooding back.

I had not replied to the birds e-mail. Last night, he texted me and asked whether I was ever going to write back to him. In my head, since he ended our relationship, my first thought to that question hasn't changed. I told him that he broke my heart. I had nothing to say to him.

He wanted to chat over the phone or meet. I said that I wasn't interested in the former and that I needed to practise physical distancing from COVID-19.

The annoying part of this text message exchange was that this jerk decided to negotiate terms of a relationship with him. What? He said that it would be the same, except that we'd take out hotel stays and trips together.

I told him off. He claimed that he misses me and the fun times that we used to have. If he truly wanted me back, I would expect him to not take away aspects of our relationship that we once enjoyed as a couple.

I got a number of points off my chest:

• I wasn't interested in talking to someone who broke my heart and has caused me so much sadness
• I let him know that he treated me like dirt and that his needs have always superseded mine
• I pointed out that his conditions and restrictions cited in this new set of relationship terms was nonsense and stupid
• I had no problem telling him that if he had a heart, he'd understand that he was upsetting me by contacting me
• I stated that I wasn't going to settle for these stupid relationship terms
• I dictate the terms -- he doesn't
• I didn't want to talk to him because things aren't the same between us

Yeah, it's sad that he ruined the start of my long Easter weekend. Although I am intermittently sad right now, I am proud that I stood my ground. I'm stronger than I realized.

In the meantime, I am listening to a lot of music to make me feel better.

Broke up and feeling good

The other day, when I wrote about how my manager banned me from the office without a ton of compassion, I was dealing with another issue.

I decided to end my relationship with the guy that I have been remotely dating for just over two months. The issue last month about not taking no for an answer and not respecting me? It happened again. I feel good.

I went ahead and blocked him from WhatsApp. I told him that it was over.

The downside is that I had lent him money. I don't expect him to pay me back. If he does, it would be a miracle.

He needed more money to get him out of a horrible construction contract. I put my foot down and said no. The following day, he asked me again. I asked him what part of no was unclear. He completely did not listen to what I had said. So, he's out of my life.

I need to find a nicer guy who respects who I am and what I say. I also need a guy who doesn't think that I am a bank.

It's the weekend. Hope that you have a safe one under these odd, unpredictable times.

Rough waters that are calmer now

My love interest and I have had a few rocky days. He is stressed out at work. We had our first major disagreement last Friday.

In a nutshell, he signed an employment contract where if he is contracting equipment and it is faulty, he needs to foot the bill to fix it. I found that odd. Why doesn't his employer help him out?

He basically needed $4500 to repair a crane, including labour. He didn't have that much money and didn't tell me about his problem it until I was his last resort.

I lost it. I like when people are open with me. He shouldn't have left things bottled up inside.

So, I told him off. I went one step further and said that it wouldn't work between us. He doesn't think straight when he is stressed out, which was another red flag. He wasn't the person that I thought I knew.

We both were upset with each other. We also realized that we are a good fit when we take a step back.

I told him that I felt disrespected. He wouldn't take no for an answer about my helping him financially. I like helping people out. I don't like the pressure. He realized that he was wrong.

I overreacted being dismissed in this whole ordeal. I took some time to think things through. He was under so much stress that I added more stress for him than was necessary. He is a decent person. He has just had a ton of bad breaks.

I thought of a better financial solution to help him out. I have been working on reducing my debt for a while now and did not budget to lend money out. I managed to juggle a few things around and can lend him money. Basically, he can't proceed with his construction work until he pays for the crane repairs. It also means that he doesn't get paid until he completes his construction work. It's a vicious circle.

Here's hoping that he negotiates a better employment contract for him and a better customer contract down the road. Lessons learned on so many fronts for both of us.

Reflective and relaxed

I'm stateside. All is well.

Being on vacation has made me extremely reflective. Being on a plane makes me think about my current and past friendships and relationships. Songs lyrics make me nostalgic, happy, sad, and more. It has been therapeutic.

On a good note, I am eating well and experiencing new places to eat yummy food. It has been great so far.

Thoughts about the ex

Now that I am on vacation and the craziness has died down, thoughts about my ex-guy pop into my head. I hope to find a nice man in the near future. However, it still doesn't sit well how the ex ended our relationship.

It's natural for me to try and figure out what I did wrong. Frankly, I still think that he changed and simply wanted to do his own thing. I have accepted it. I just didn't like his spending months treating me like dirt by not communicating with me. His decision made 2019 not my best year. Yet, I have managed to get by.

I wish that I could shut down these random thoughts when things aren't busy in my life. I need to work on it.

Trying a conference number out and removing a favourite from my phone contacts

On Monday, I was testing out calling my company's teleconference phone number. It's interesting that it only accepts phone numbers that aren't blocked. I decided to test blocking my number and the call disconnected immediately. Interesting!

I normally do conference calls through wifi. However, when I am working from home, the network connection isn't great. I have a meeting later on today, so I tried doing something different.

I don't call folks all that often. I opened my phone app and noticed that my ex-guy is still flagged as a favourite. I wasn't expecting to tear up, but I did. Tearing up was needed.

I loved him. It's sad that he ended our relationship.

After briefly tearing up, I removed him as a favourite. It was difficult. I did it, though. It's another small step towards healing.

I'm going to break your heart

Last week, on the plane going to Minneapolis, I watched a documentary called I'm Going to Break Your Heart. The documentary spotlights the relationship between Chantal Kreviazuk and Raine Maida, who have successful music careers and have been married for over twenty years.

They relationship has bumps. They are seen going to counselling. They work at their relationship, as head as it can get.

They wrote many songs together during this documentary. One of them was the title of this documentary. I lost it. I was crying on the plane.

My ex-guy broke my heart -- three times too many. We never went to counselling. Part of me wishes that we did, but he abruptly ended our relationship.

There are nights where I think of him. One part of me misses the good, fun parts of our relationship. I know that it isn't healthy to want to try it again. I do not want to be hurt by him again. I want better.

I continue to heal. It's not an easy journey. I get by one day at a time.

Reminders of a severed relationship and looking forward to travel

My ex-guy's car is parked at work again. This time around, seeing his car doesn't hurt as much.

He broke my heart. I find it difficult to have him in my life. It is far easier to sever ties with him. It is too painful to relive being happy in our relationship and having the plug pulled on a Monday -- likely the worst day of the week to break up. Then again, any day to select as a break-up day isn't great.

I have a few days before I fly off to the Twin Cities. I am excited to be back after nine years. It'll do me some good.

Severing a friendship after being romantically involved

I have been thinking about my ex-guy more than I should be. In the past, it has been easier to sever ties with my exes.

The issue is that he wants to stay friends with me. I find it difficult when friends often care about one another. He has hurt me by severing our relationship as a loving couple.

I feel that I need to sever the friendship or what's left of it. It makes my moving on easier. Luckily, he doesn't come into the office all that often, so it's easy. I also haven't been answering his e-mails. Again, it's easy.

Healing takes time. It's not all that easy, but it gets easier as I continue to heal.

Good weekend and making friends in the dating scene

This weekend flew by. I had a great time catching up with a couple of friends who are here on vacation. I feel well-rested.

The Labour Day long weekend is coming up. I am spending most of it in my ex-guy's hometown. I was there a few weekends ago and I felt good.

Although I still have moments of sadness when I think of him and our relationship being over, I am good. I decided to put out an ad on Plenty of Fish. I have responses. I simply need to sit down and sift through them. So far, folks are nice, wanting to have coffee and chat. I'm good with that.

Baby steps into building a friendship and seeing where it'll take me. It feels like a major step, but it's a positive one for me.

Sad about my ex-guy reaching out to me through a work program

My ex-guy and I work for the same company. He works from home all the time and doesn't require going into the office. I go into work three times each week and work from home for the remaining days.

Since he let me go, he has written a couple of e-mails to me through his personal account to mine. I didn't bother to reply to either. The fact that he was late to say happy birthday to me because he was his typical late self did not impress me.

My guess is that he is wondering how I am, as I am not writing back. Frankly, I need some space and don't have anything to contribute.

At work, we have a thank-you program, where you can write a little message and award some points to someone at work. It's to show your appreciation and the recipient can get something from our company's e-commerce site. We get a certain number of points dropped into our accounts every month.

Well, he sent me some points and a one-liner to say thanks for helping him out. As nice as that gesture was, it makes me sad that he ended our relationship -- that he hurt me. Yet, he thinks that things are the same. They aren't.

Training, Chinatown, and reflection

My first day of my training session went well and was fun. I learned a ton. Folks in my group are nice.

I am the only female in the group. It's great if I were interested in dating someone. However, many of the guys are married and I am not in that mode.

I walked around Chinatown after work. It's funny that I have visited Montreal a number of times and never explored Chinatown until this trip.

It's nice to change things up. The last time I was in this city was with my ex-guy. That trip ended up with my ex-guy getting into a moody mode and not wanting to be intimate with me for a bit. The more I think about our relationship, the more it makes sense that it's over. He didn't really treat me as well as he could have and his actions boggled my mind.

Fond memories of pancakes and breakfasts

On Friday, we had a farewell lunch for a couple of folks on our software development team. They are leaving the company next week.

I have got to know them well over the years. They are wonderful people and hope that they enjoy their new positions.

We went to a diner roughly fifteen minutes from work. It felt familiar to me.

I realized that a few years ago, my guy and I stayed at a hotel close by. The following day, we headed to this eatery for breakfast. Since we had last been to this place, it has had a complete makeover.

When we ate there, I had ordered a pancake special. I remember not being able to finish eating everything because the portions were huge. The pancakes didn't taste that great.

On Friday, I ordered the French toast special. It was yummy.

It was nice being back here. I thought about my guy, cherishing all fond memories that we have had and continue making.