Visiting the old workplace and thinking of the ex

Within the last month, I have visited my old workplace a couple of times. Both times, I was there to use the washroom. It was the office before the company that I worked for got acquired by my current one.

I stood outside this building and memories flooded in. The ex-boyfriend touched my hand holding a Starbucks peppermint mocha. Steps away, in the parking lot, he popped open his car's trunk on Valentine's Day to give me a dozen roses.

Happy memories.

Naturally, I also thought of an unpleasant memory. There was one incident in particular where I texted him and he never responded. It caused anxiety.

Our relationship had many moments of anxiety. He removed me as a contact on Skype and I panicked. He added me back later on.

Since we broke up, I removed him as a contact on Skype. He sent me a request. I never added him back.

I doubt that he experienced the same anxiety. I am far more sensitive of a person to feel that void. He doesn't have that same sensitivity.

It's interesting how we were an item for nearly eight years and how it abruptly dissolved. The fact that I was with an emotionally inept person seems so odd to me now. I miss the happy times, but I'm glad that I don't feel those moments of anxiety anymore.

Extended bereavement leave by a day

On Friday, I made the decision to take today off and extend my bereavement leave. I wasn't sure how I'd feel today. I actually feel okay.

I think that this leave has helped me sort out past issues within my family. It was a much needed period to reflect, grieve, and be at peace with everything.

I'm not sure what I'll do today, but I will take it easy.

My aunt's passing with a ton of thoughts

On the weekend, my dad got word that his youngest sister, my aunt, had passed away. He has handled her death well. I think our entire family has under the circumstances.

Her funeral was on Wednesday. He attended it. I stayed with my mom at my parents' place. I'm glad that we did this setup. My dad had left food in a microwavable container for my mom to heat up. She never did until I was hungry and went to make some lunch. I noticed that the food remained untouched.

My mom is getting old. Her memory isn't great. I have a feeling that it's affecting her judgment, including heating up food. I did it for her, so she was good.

Families can be dysfunctional. Mine is no different. It has been interesting mourning someone who has not been a huge presence in my life.

When my dad and mom got married, my grandmother (my dad's mom) did not welcome my mom with open arms. There was a coldness and perhaps a distain for my mom. We don't know why.

Because my mom was not liked by her mother-in-law, my dad's two sisters also adopted the same coldness or distain for my mom. I look at that behaviour to be juvenile and ridiculous.

My aunt who passed away was the nicer of the two aunts. Her family (husband and four children) lived a block away from us growing up in Toronto. I recall occasionally getting together with them. My mom said that her children didn't treat me well. Apparently, they liked hitting me over the head. I have no recollection of that action. I ended up being far taller and larger than my cousins, so that nonsense likely stopped quickly.

My mom had to go into the hospital for surgery when I was ten. My aunt came over to babysit while my dad was with her to visit. I came on weekends. My aunt was fine. I remember her asking why I didn't cover my feet with my comforter when I was in bed. I have never done that. I always sleep with my feet poking out of it.

Her questions, like that one, had a tinge of judgment and slight disapproval. It happened a few years later when I was at the drugstore counting my money to buy something. She approached me and made a judgmental comment about the purchase that I was going to make. I ignored it and completed this purchase.

When my grandmother passed away, I flew into Toronto from Winnipeg to pay my respects. Despite knowing that she did not treat my mom nicely and that she wasn't exactly warm to me (she never truly addressed me by my real Chinese name whenever we got together), I felt the need to say goodbye. I put all her uncalled-for grudges against my mom aside to say goodbye to her.

After the funeral and burial, we had lunch at a restaurant. My aunt came over and asked why I was so sad. It was an odd way to start a conversation by making such a remark. It felt like a judgmental statement. Why not start by saying hi? I shot back that we were here for a funeral. It's not like I should be tearing up the dance floor to celebrate her death.

I'm thinking that it's the way that my dad and his siblings grew up. They can't seem to handle communicating with people and it comes out wrong. I have seen my dad do that when conversing, but it's never as horrible as what comes out of his sisters' mouths.

It occurred to me that my dad received more education (a few years) than my aunts. I feel that the lack of education plays a part, too.

Twenty years ago, my aunt and her family moved from Toronto to some city in Malaysia. She passed away in Malaysia a month ago.

She wanted to be buried next to her mom in Toronto. It took a month for her body to be flown back here.

My dad made the remark that his sister and family "must be loaded" to fly her back to her final ressting place. True. However, I'm glad that my parents and I aren't impressed or motivated by wealth.

We aren't rich. We aren't poor. We're content with what we have.

At my grandmother's funeral, when an older cousin asked what I did for a living, he got excited when he learned that I was in IT and worked for IBM. He then started to pay more attention to me and talk to me. I didn't like that at all.

The other thing was that I could speak Cantonese. My cousins on my dad's side (they are my other aunt's children) seemed both surprised envious because they couldn't. When I explained that I took Cantonese all through high school, it silenced them.

It helps to not be judgmental. I didn't really care what they thought about me. Never did. I still don't. 

I like how I have turned out. How my parents have raised me to be a good person because they are.

So, I am at peace with my late aunt. I hope that she rests easy. I am glad that she is reunited with her mom after two decades being apart.

Booster shot thoughts

My manager and a guy on our team who doesn't do a lot are well over fifty years of age. They are able to book booster shots.

The problem is that they are difficult to book. My manager has an appointment at my local drugstore. He doesn't live near me. His appointment is December 27. The other guy has his on New Year's Eve.

Considering that the province has opened up the appointment floodgates to folks eighteen years of age and older as of next Monday, I doubt that I'll get an appointment until mid- to late-January, if I'm lucky. I don't think that the system is ready for a large number of folks wanting to get booster shots.

Today is my last workday before I go on vacation. I am cautiously optimistic about travelling. My hope is that this advisory causes many to not travel. For folks like me who are taking a risk, but will play it safe while in the States, I hope that it's not too busy.

Sunday thoughts and snow tires

I spent Sunday cooking and relaxing. I savour weekends a lot these days.

Later on today, I get my snow tires installed on my car. It's currently snowing lightly. Perfect timing!

Travel planning and thoughts

Planning travel is both exciting and weird. I haven't done it for so long that it feels so unfamiliar, but not really.

I have three NHL hockey games in Minnesota that are close together in December and January. I may do a longer vacation and see all three.

I am still adventurous. I'm doing research to figure out what I need to fly down without a hitch.

I'm optimistic and hopeful. Things are looking up even thought we aren't fully out of this pandemic yet.

Thoughts about my vacation as it winds down

Today's my last vacation day before I head back to work.

I feel that a two-week vacation is perfect. It's not too long. It's not too short. I feel well-rested and relaxed. It's great.

I am not looking forward to reading and sifting through a bunch of work e-mails. We'll see how crazy all of that is when Monday comes.

In the meantime, I'm listening to some relaxing music before I hit the sack.

Thoughts about an early start to the workday

Even though I have been starting my workday earlier these days, I kind of like it. It's nice to call it a day early.

On Wednesday, I started my grocery and takeout run at 4 pm. It was great. I'm debating whether I should start my day at 8 am permanently. I have fewer distractions. It's also nice that I don't have to participate in our team's daily chat at 4:45 pm. I find it tedious.

Two more workdays. It helps that this week is breezing by.

Shopping thoughts

I have been more nostalgic and reflective as of late than I typically am. I had a talk with a friend who is in the same boat. She blames it on the pandemic.

My region will have many restrictions eased as of Monday. It has been in lockdown for over two months. Yesterday, I went into a different part of the province where stores were open again. I didn't have any inclination to visit them.

It is one change that I have noticed since this pandemic started. I don't have a desire to go shopping and browse. I like curbside pickup. I look at what I want online, pay either online or at the store, and pick up my order. Done!

I simply get groceries and items at the drugstore. I also get takeout.

I haven't been to major stores, such as Walmart and Costco, since this pandemic started. I don't feel comfortable in them.

Maybe the urge to visit major malls and large stores will come back once we are all vaccinated. Right now, visiting them isn't a priority. 

Valentine's Day thoughts

I'm still up. It's Valentine's Day.

When I had a boyfriend, this day was just like any other. We said that we loved each other throughout the year.

Now that I am single, I simply look forward to eating chocolate and taking advantage of the post-Valentine's Day sales on candy.

It's all good.

The ex in my dream and an inferior 2.0 version of him

I dreamt about the ex last night. I only remember seeing his name and saying something to him. I don't recall exactly what I had said.

Weird.

I think about our last exchange of texts. I am proud that I told him off.

I do miss when he was thoughtful and loving when we were together. Version 2.0 of him is missing those qualities and more. I don't want a newer version that is inferior to what I used to have.

Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

Friends

I spent Saturday afternoon with a friend, who is also a colleague. In our department, I used to be the farthest from the office. However, she moved further west this summer and now she is. 

We met at a central location and ordered Thai takeout. We then went down to the beach to eat and chat. It was a great outing and it was wonderful seeing her again.

We both talked about having friends who are battling cancer. I talked about my friend and how I don't want to bug her during her chemo, but have let her know that I'm thinking about her. Tonight, I got an e-mail from her. Her first round of chemo was promising. The second round set her back to square one. It was almost as if she had heard my conversation.

She is currently going through a trial in Houston that targets the chromosome that is causing her cancer. I hope that the trial is effective and that she continues to fight.

Interns and coincidence

For the past year, I have trained and worked with my intern. He has three days left before his work term is over.

During this same period, we have also worked with another intern. This one is a software developer.

Yesterday, I had a call over our lovely chat tool to talk about what could be his final contribution in his work term. Like my intern, this one is equally as bright and hard-working.

I took the time to say that I have enjoyed working with him. He appreciated it. He said that my intern has always spoken highly of me. It was nice of him to say.

I liked his story about how he was driving his girlfriend home one evening. He found out that his girlfriend and my intern live on the same street. Small world!

Positivity snacks and a jerk who got what he deserved

Some places in the States do not ship to Canada. Recently, I contributed my thoughts about positivity on a company's Instagram account. This company ended up sending me a huge box of snacks as a gift. It was an extremely generous gesture.

Sadly, this place doesn't ship to Canada. However, I have a way to have items shipped up here through a shipping service.

There is one person at this shipping place who has been a pain to deal with. The first time I dealt with him, he asked for my ID. I was fine and asked if I needed to present it all the time, as none of the other staff members had asked me for it. He said no and that it was a one-time thing.

I dropped by a month later and he asked for ID. I reminded him that last time, he said it was a one-time thing. He made up a reason on-the-fly by saying that he will stop asking until he knows me. Um, I have been dealing with your business for four years. I'm a regular. You happen to be new and are making rules up as you go.

The third time I had to deal with him, he stopped asking me for my ID. Yay! The jerk, however, said my last name wrong. It's not a difficult last name or word to pronounce. I happily corrected him, staring sternly at hime. He actually apologized for a change.

On Saturday, I went in to pick up my box of snacks. This jerk was dealing with another customer who was yelling at him and dropped the f-word several times. I grinned. What goes around, comes around.

Luckily, I dealt with his female counterpart who was respectful and nice. She recognized me as a regular. I got my shipment, said thanks, wished her a good day, and left.

It helps to be kind to folks. If you're a jerk, there will be consequences to your attitude and behaviour.

Surprise text full of honest, sweet thoughts

The man in my life is sweet and mushy. He poured his heart out in a text last night to me. It was poignant.

He had said that he can't write a novel. He proved himself wrong. It was nice and I woke up wiht a smile on my face reading it.

It's nice to feel loved again. To feel like someone out there cares and is genuinely sweet.

My ex-guy wrote to my work e-mail account - respond or ignore

It has been over two weeks since I checked my work e-mail. I returned to work on Monday and had 100 e-mail messages waiting for me in my inbox.

Oh, joy.

One of them was from my ex-guy. He sent me a message using my work account. How charming.

He wished me a happy, prosperous new year. It seems like a slap in the face considering that he ruined 2019 for me.

Question for you:

I have not responded to his e-mails that he sent to my personal account seven months ago. I am guessing that it is the reason why he has chosen to drop me a line through my work account. Should I respond? Continue to ignore him? Respond with a YouTube music video that explains how much of a jerk he is?

I would like to know what your thoughts are. I could use a different, helpful perspective.

My friend is recovering well after surgery

My friend had surgery on her bowel. It got twisted, which caused her abdominal and back pain. She lives roughly two hours away from me.

I went to see her on Saturday. She is healing nicely. She was understandably tired, but in good spirits.

I have known her since we were both twelve years old. She is roughly two weeks older than I am.

Both of us never thought that we'd have surgery. I had back surgery eight years ago, almost to the day. I think she felt better when we talked about and shared our surgery experiences.

I gave her a card and a gift card. I wrote how much I appreciated her. I said that our friendship meant even more now.

She thanked me several times for coming. It was the least that I could do. The drive wasn't anything. I was thankful that I could brighten her day as she continues to recovery.

It was good seeing her. I hope to check up on her again soon.

Book on coping with a breakup and periodic thoughts about my ex-guy

A few weeks ago, I bought a book on how to cope with a breakup. I started reading the first chapter, but got busy with a couple of trips. The chapter that I did read put me at ease.

My problem isn't keeping busy. From being on vacation, and being out and about, to getting through work tasks, I don't have a chance to think about my ex-guy.

The problem occurs when I am not busy. My mind floats over to the loving moments that we had together, as well as the fact that I deserved better towards the end of our relationship. Before I go to bed, I think of him. When I am driving home and my commute is nothing to sneeze at, he pops up in my head. It just happens.

I didn't have this issue with my ex-hubby. The difference is that I loved my ex-guy. I fell out of love with the ex-hubby.

I am far from being over him. Baby steps. Gone is my mild anxiety about us not being a couple, which is a positive sign. 

This weekend, I hope to read more chapters out of this book. Perhaps my memories and thoughts of him will slowly subside.

Thoughts about my ex-guy

My ex-guy has written a couple of e-mails to me since we broke up and entered new territory as friends only. I haven't responded to them. Part of me wants to break free of him. I am not ready to continue on as friends, as if nothing has happened.

The other part of me feels the need to write back, just to say thanks and that's it. It simply is polite.

However, I am entitled to all the time that I need for me. He has hurt me three times too many. He also needed time for himself to come to the decision that he no longer wanted to be with me.

I am at a similar crossroads. The difference is determining whether I want to remain friends with him. Frankly, he needs me as a friend more than I do him.

I am not fully healed. I have moments where I despise him. I miss him from time to him, too. I also tear up when I think of all the intimate moments that we have spent together.

Will it get easier? Sure. It's a question of time. Time is slowly healing me. That's the catch. I don't know how much time I need, but I know that nearly 1.5 months isn't enough to get over him.