Extended bereavement leave by a day

On Friday, I made the decision to take today off and extend my bereavement leave. I wasn't sure how I'd feel today. I actually feel okay.

I think that this leave has helped me sort out past issues within my family. It was a much needed period to reflect, grieve, and be at peace with everything.

I'm not sure what I'll do today, but I will take it easy.

Trying to use up my vacation from last year - a problem I never thought that I'd have

Today is my last workday before I go on vacation for just over a week. It's not that I want to. I have six vacation days that I didn't use up in 2020. I need to use them up by the end of this month.

I would normally be thrilled to take time off. I'd be travelling somewhere. Ontario, the province in which I live, is under lockdown. I can get groceries, fetch takeout, do curbside pickup, exercise outdoors, and that's about it.

It's funny. I originally thought I had five days of vacation. I realized through doing a calculation that I had an extra day. It's amusing to me that I am not thrilled about taking time off during a pandemic.

Then again, I have been working hard for two weeks. I trained a new intern and got my regular work done. I also dealt with my dear friend's passing, so I'm okay with taking time off for me.

I will likely continue reorganizing things around the house. I did some of that tonight. It felt therapeutic.

More thoughts from my friend's funeral

My friend organized her entire funeral. We are similar in that we are natural planners. She wasn't a control freak. She simply wanted to take care of it without burdening others. It was just who she was.

She made sure that everyone had a bagged lunch after the service. It made me smile. It was so her.

She left a voice message to all of us. She said that we were her miracle. Her daughter let out a sob. I lost it there as tears trickled down my face. It felt good hearing her voice.

She chose the music that was played. I have the list, which is now a part of my playlist and will always remind me of her.

At the end, Amazing Grace was played. The Mayo Clinic managed to record her heartbeat. Her heartbeat was then used as the beat for the song, which had guitar as the melody. It was unique and I felt connected to her -- as if she were saying to everyone that they would be okay.

I managed to grieve at her streamed funeral. I felt a lot better today. It was a lovely service celebrating her life. She somehow managed to reassure us that things were going to be okay. I am healing one day at a time.

Grieving and celebrating my friend's life

On Saturday, I attended my friend's funeral online. It was my first experience attending a virtual funeral. I am grateful that the funeral home offered this service.

It allowed me to attend when the Canada-US border continues to be closed due to COVID-19. It's also nice for those who can't travel or want to stay safe to attend remotely.

It was a beautiful celebration of my friend and her life. There were many parts of the service that made me smile. Essentially, my friend organized her own funeral and made sure that we were all taken care of. She was always that way, including right up to her death.

I may write more about what was said and share in another post. Right now, I am simply reflecting and appreciate her even more.

I didn't write the previous day. On Friday night, I decided to grieve in my own way. I played music that she loved. It brought back fond memories of both of us attending these performances live and enjoying these songs together.

Sick, missing, and tired

I am still sick. I will likely take a sick day from work today. Currently, my nose is stuffed up, I'm tired, and I have a slight cough.

Being sick makes me think more about my guy breaking up with me. I miss what we had. I don't miss being hurt, as I'm already there.

He just sent me a video to watch. In his own way, he misses me. It makes me even more upset that he is perfectly fine carrying on. I can't do that. I need time to grieve. He isn't in tune with his emotions as much as I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Although I have moments of sadness, I cannot sob in despair like I did the two previous times that he broke up with me. It's that inner strength this time that demands being treated better. It is his loss. I simply need to move on. It will happen with time.

I took naps throughout the day on Sunday. I felt better after each nap, but I am tired. I believe that I have earned a sick day to shake this cold off and heal from this breakup.

E is for engaging event -- making an exception by commemorating my wedding anniversary

I don't typically commemorate my wedding anniversary these days, simply because I have been divorced for several years now. I thought that I would make an exception.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. It would have been a milestone.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I was extremely unhappy while married to a man who cared more about himself than those around him. It was difficult living with him. I stayed in the marriage many years too long until I had enough strength to leave it.

My ex-husband proposed to me early in our courtship, which I found odd. It was within a matter of weeks. He wanted to get married immediately. I had started my second of year undergraduate studies. I wasn't ready to get hitched. Instead, I insisted that we get married after I graduated. He was good with that.

We married at Old City Hall in downtown Toronto almost three years later. It wasn't a fancy wedding. It was a civil one. We had two witnesses with us. We said our vows, kissed, and were married.

I remember what I wore. Only my blouse was white. I have never liked a full dress on me, especially when I was fifty pound heavier then than I am now.

We took a cab from the hotel where we were staying in Scarborough to Old City Hall. After we got hitched, we took another cab back.

We started our honeymoon immediately. The first thing he did was have me face down, lying on the bed. He lifted my skirt up and gave me a number of smacks across my panties. They were hard smacks.

My ex-husband was the first person who has ever spanked me. He was the first person that I ever spanked. I lost my virginity to him.

Although he treated me badly as our marriage progressed, I try not to recall all the negative memories that I have. It's difficult, especially when I am a reflective person with a decent memory.

I was happy on my wedding day. It wasn't the wedding that I had dreamed about, but I have never asked for much. It was a good day.

A week later, I graduated from university. My parents and my ex-husband attended my graduation. My ex-husband and I then went to celebrate by having a lovely dinner.

We both learned that beer and ice cream do not mix. I have never done that combination ever since.

My guy and I talk about my ex-hubby now and again. I typically don't bring it up in conversation. It is usually some sort of trigger that causes me to briefly talk about him. My guy never rolls his eyes and tells me to stop talking about the ex-hubby, simply because I don't talk about him much and my guy doesn't mind when I do talk about the ex.

When I told my guy of my ex-husband's death, my guy was the one who asked questions about him and how I was coping. I truly believe that my grieving caused my guy to slowly come out of his depression. We are alike in that we both feel that we can't be depressed simultaneously. At least one of us needs to get the other out of the darkness. I have done that more often for my guy these days. He rarely sees me get to such a stage and reacted immediately when I did last month.

I have learned so much from my ex-hubby. I continue to learn so much from being with him and from living my life with my guy.

Life is definitely better when you are with someone who loves you completely and gets you. It's a mutual sentiment, which is one reason why my relationship with my guy works.

It's over

It has been a trying week. I didn't expect what was about to happen.

As I have mentioned, my guy is going through a lot of personal issues. He has decided to let me go. It has been a difficult week for both of us.

We still love each other. It is evident. When I cried yesterday because I told him that I am grieving over losing him and that I am depressed, he felt bad. I didn't mean to, but we both agreed that we thought we'd be together for a lot longer than two years.

The thing is that he has a lot of baggage to sort out. He doesn't feel that it would be fair to drag me along.

At least we are on speaking terms. However, I was devastated that he has cut off a lot of the ways that we once communicated with each other. It has been tough. These days, we only talk on the phone. In a way, it's better. It's more direct.

Our chat after work on the phone today was one of the better ones that we have had where we are both not pouring out how sad we are and what is bugging him. The truth is that he needs to work things out with a professional psychologist or get some counselling. I can lend him my ears, but I am not trained to help him out.

He told me that he was sorry -- that he never meant to hurt me. Normally, I wouldn't stay friends with someone who has broken up with me. I can't do that in this case. He is my best friend. We also work for the same company.

We will see how things go. A couple of days ago, I felt depressed, rejected, and isolated. I have moments where I seem like my regular self. Then, I come across some trigger that makes me burst into tears. It has been rough.

If anyone has any advice on how to mend a broken heart, I would greatly appreciate the suggestions and support. In the meantime, I am halfway through reading a book called Good Grief.

I don't know how regularly I will be updating this blog. Obviously, the spanking has ceased and I am not exactly in the most cheerful of moods. So, if I am gone for a bit, you do know why. I am trying to grieve and pick myself back up.