Chat with friends and revelations

It's raining right now. It's nearly 2 am.

Yesterday, I had a great time hanging out with a few friends in the afternoon. We chatted, and sipped on teas and shakes. The laughter and conversation were much needed.

For the first time in a while, I could talk about my nearly eight-year relationship with my ex with others. 

I made a few statements that I hadn't said out loud until now:

• I hate the ex's guts
• We work at the same company and have never seen each other since the breakup
• It has been three years and I'm happy not being in a relationship

Hate is a strong word. It's fitting for how I feel.

The ex hurt me, which caused sadness and anxiety for months until I was okay. He came back to ask for sex, but without the relationship. It made me angry. He wanted a free hooker to put out. It wasn't my style.

I also said to do you to my friends. That's exactly what I have been doing. I am doing what feels best to me. I am okay being on my own. Sure, I miss companionship and cuddling, but I'm not ready to be in a relationship again. 

It's all okay.

Being in the same online meeting with the ex and hearing his voice

This morning, I had a knowledge session at work. We all connect online. 

The ex-guy was apparently chatting with a presenter whom I work closely with when I joined the session. I heard his voice. He said a single word that I couldn't make out. I have a feeling that he saw my name and reacted by saying some word before he stopped talking.

I hadn't heard his voice since June 2019. It was weird.

I was okay. I am okay. As long as we don't interact, I'm fine. 

We still work for the same employer. It helps that we aren't in the office and we are in different departments. Otherwise, it would be awkward.

Three years being single

Today marks three years since my ex-guy broke up with me. Time flies. It also heals. 

I still think of the memories that we had. I also think about how wrong it was for me to be with someone who wasn't the best fit for me. I am in tune with my emotions. He wasn't and probably still isn't. 

I severed my connection with him on a number of applications, including Skype. I recently saw that he wanted it re-established on Skype. I haven't.

Although I miss having a special someone as my partner, I am not ready. And, that's okay.

Travelling when the recommendation is to avoid travel

The recommendation by the Canadian government is to avoid travel outside of Canada. According to a doctor on the news last night, he recommends that folks with travel plans go ahead with them, but exercise caution.

I feel that it's what I want to do. I have been careful during this entire pandemic. Despite rules stateside in my hotel that I could roam around without my mask on if I'm fully vaccinated, I had my mask on in public areas.

Entering a restaurant? Mask on. Huge hockey arena? I wore a mask. The largest mall in the States? I definitely wore a mask.

Booster shots are finally being rolled out to folks 18 years of age and older on Monday. I will need to wait till I return and hope that my being cautious, like I have for month, will serve me well. I doubt that I can get my booster shot before I fly off.

More thoughts from my friend's funeral

My friend organized her entire funeral. We are similar in that we are natural planners. She wasn't a control freak. She simply wanted to take care of it without burdening others. It was just who she was.

She made sure that everyone had a bagged lunch after the service. It made me smile. It was so her.

She left a voice message to all of us. She said that we were her miracle. Her daughter let out a sob. I lost it there as tears trickled down my face. It felt good hearing her voice.

She chose the music that was played. I have the list, which is now a part of my playlist and will always remind me of her.

At the end, Amazing Grace was played. The Mayo Clinic managed to record her heartbeat. Her heartbeat was then used as the beat for the song, which had guitar as the melody. It was unique and I felt connected to her -- as if she were saying to everyone that they would be okay.

I managed to grieve at her streamed funeral. I felt a lot better today. It was a lovely service celebrating her life. She somehow managed to reassure us that things were going to be okay. I am healing one day at a time.

Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

Toilet roll dream

A few nights ago, I dreamt of a toilet paper roll. It was odd.

I looked at what it may symbolize. There are many interpretations.

One interpretation is that it's a warming. Someone is apparently wanting to invade my personal territory or get confidential information.

A second interpretation is the following from dream-meaning.net:

To dream about toilet paper rolls, represents aftermath and cleanup of emotional release. You are ready to heal and recover from your emotional outburst. It should be noted that you will still leave a mark somewhere, but those marks will soon be forgotten.

My guess is that telling my ex that I hate him and that he's an asshole fits this interpretation. Although I don't like saying cross words to anyone, it was time to tell him off. I'm at peace with my outburst. He needed to hear it, as opposed to his thinking that we could continue being friends, even though he hurt me deeply.

Enjoying a break

I have good and bad days, as do many folks. 

Although it has been over a year since my relationship ended, part of me misses the affection and playfulness of being with a partner. The other part of me knows that I'm not ready to be in a relationship at this stage. I'm okay with a break.

Having friends to talk to, keeping busy with my hobbies, and putting my thoughts down in this blog have been more than helpful. However, there are some days where I want to be by myself, lay in bed, and do nothing. I want to take a break from doing hobbies and blogging. I simply enjoy doing nothing.

And, it's okay. I work hard. Downtime is okay.

So, I have missed a blog post here and there. I know that there is no need to justify why. I'm good. I just need some downtime for myself now and again.

Change and missing it

Monday wasn't my finer workdays. I found out that a feature that I had written about before I went on vacation was checked in properly. However, the powers that be moved the feature to a different release version while I was away.

Someone had apparently mentioned this tidbit of information in a mass e-mail. I missed it.

Part of me felt bad. I generally don't miss that sort of thing. Part of me doesn't. Communication isn't stellar at work. I get tons of e-mails. Folks can't make a decision.

Luckily, things have been fixed before this software release. I'd feel bad if the software release went out and someone noticed this issue after the fact!

I may take a longer long weekend. I haven't taken a longer Labour Day weekend in ages. I am typically training a new intern in September. It won't be the case this year.

Thoughts about being heartbroken

Part of me wishes that I could have a good cry over my breakup. I have yet to do it. I can barely shed a tear.

It has been an odd breakup. My heart is broken, but there is a strength that prevents me from going down any road of dispair.

I still think of him often. When I see a couple holding hands as they are walking somewhere, it reminds me of holding my ex-guy's hand. We were happy. It felt good.

I miss that feeling. I know it'll happen again with the right person. It's just not the right time to start a romantic relationship. I need to focus on me.

And, that's perfectly okay. For me, it feels right to go at my own pace.

Quick update

My friend is healing nicely after her surgery. I was hoping to write about everything, but I'm tired and there is a lot to process.

I am thrilled that she's okay.

Sleep and rest

I slept a lot over the weekend. My student had a cold that started on Thursday. I felt like I had caught a bit of it on Saturday. I feel that I am in the clear, thanks to a ton of rest and sleep.

Sadly, it's another workweek coming up. I am looking forward to my brief trip next month. I feel refreshed from the weekend. I just want more of it!

Achy body, stronger heart, and reflection

I am still achy. It helped that I worked from home on Wednesday. I got to take it easier than if I were at work.

It has taken a while for me to realize that all the stress at work and in my life has finally hit me. I truly need to take it easy.

Yesterday marked my ex-husband's birthday. I didn't feel anything. I suppose that being in such an unhealthy relationship has made me numb. I hope that he is okay in heaven.

I do feel differently about my recent breakup. I loved my guy. I didn't feel the same way about my ex-hubby. I fell out of love with him, but stayed with him until I had the strength to leave.

It's good to know that time has healed me with my ex-hubby. Here's hoping that I am at that same peace of mind with my guy soon.

The breakup - for the third and likely final time

It has been well over a week. I needed some time to think about what had happened. The problem is that I have been pretty active and busy that I haven't had a chance to grieve.

My guy decided to call it quits. Quits means romantically. He wants to remain friends.

We have been together for years. For me, the withdrawal symptoms of not being affectionate towards someone have been tough.

I am oddly taking this breakup well. In the past, when he previously broke my heart twice, I was devastated each time. I sobbed and cried.

This one still hurts. I tear up now and again. I haven't gone into full-fledge sobbing or a good cry, though. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps I have, too.

I am more active now than I was the last two times that he broke my heart. I go out of various meetups. I am working on blog posts here and my side projects. Work has kept me busy.

I am only sad at night when I am not on the move. I sit on my bed, look at my purple sheep named Woolly, and go back to the exact moment when my guy gave Woolly to me.

I don't have that feeling of getting rid of all his stuff. I hug my purple plush sheep and I'm good. He is always smiling back at me.

In the past, I had to sever any relationship after we broke up. Part of me still wants to, as it has aleays been easier for me to heal. There were recent periods when I would say hi in a text message to him and I wouldn't get a thing. He would not communicate with me for weeks. I knew that something was up.

I said to him that if we were to be friends, I need better communication. Otherwise, I am perfectly find saying goodbye to him forever. He said that it wouldn't happen. In this regard, as much as he is my best friend, he actually needs my friendship more than I do of his. I will give it a shot. If I hate what we have, I will walk away. I have no regrets.

He didn't break up with me because he found someone new. He just has other side projects going on that love and sex have taken a backseat. I have always been accommodating to his needs. For me, I know that I deserve better. I am willing to find it with someone out there when I am ready.

In the meantime, I look forward to spending time with a good friend this weekend. Work is driving me crazy. My guy and I have had lunch a handful of times over the last 1.5 weeks. We have been good.

He asked me if I wanted a hug last Friday. We hugged. I needed it. It felt different, but it felt comforting.

Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, got me out of moments of sadness earlier this week. I will explain more in another post.

I am okay. It is a life shift. I'm not even sure if I can call him my guy here. I will probably need to think of a better name.