Playful smack

On Wednesday, I was talking to my friends, who are also business owners. They are husband and wife.

They are a wonderful couple and I'm so happy that we have forged a beautiful friendship. It was my first time seeing the husband smack the backside of his wife in a playful manner.

Man, the sound of that smack echoed throughout the room. It made me happy to see such affection. It was also arousing.

I haven't talked about spanking for a long time, mainly because I haven't been all that interested since I broke up with the ex. It's a weird side effect of a breakup. The interest is there. It's simply dormant.

Reorganizing plastic bags and panties, fixing earrings, and more

Over a year ago, I was getting rid of stuff at home that I didn't need and reorganizing the stuff that I wanted to keep. I then went on what I didn't know was my last trip with my ex-guy. Since the breakup, I haven't had the motivation to reorganize my stuff and pick up from where I had left off.

I am motivated now.

On Sunday, I looked at all plastic bags that I had thrown into multiple bags and folded them up. They are now organized by size. I also found my iced tea flask. I will be brewing iced tea with a bunch of tea bags that need to be used.

I folded all my panties and bras in my drawer the way Marie Kondo does hers. I will say that it's such a major improvement and I have a nice, cheerful collection of panties and bras. I'll be doing socks and pyjamas next.

Finally, I have been converting earrings with French hooks over to leverbacks. I don't like the former because the hook part jabs into me when I wear them and I don't like the tiny plastic backings on the hooks. The conversion is pretty simple. I need to reorder more leverbacks.

I like that I have various projects on the go. It's great that the time that I used to spend commuting to and from work is put into tasks that are meaningful.

My heart's healing well!

My ex-guy's car has been parked at our workplace's parking lot for a month. When he first parked his car there after we had broken up, a ton of emotions came flooding in. Sad. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Probably more.

I worked from home Monday through Wednesday this week. I returned to work yesterday and his car was no longer there.

I felt okay. That's a good sign.

I'm still healing, but I'm making decent progress.

Thoughts about being heartbroken

Part of me wishes that I could have a good cry over my breakup. I have yet to do it. I can barely shed a tear.

It has been an odd breakup. My heart is broken, but there is a strength that prevents me from going down any road of dispair.

I still think of him often. When I see a couple holding hands as they are walking somewhere, it reminds me of holding my ex-guy's hand. We were happy. It felt good.

I miss that feeling. I know it'll happen again with the right person. It's just not the right time to start a romantic relationship. I need to focus on me.

And, that's perfectly okay. For me, it feels right to go at my own pace.

Healing and reading my book on healing after a breakup

I managed to continue reading my book on healing after a breakup. It has been helpful.

When my ex-guy told me that he wanted to end our relationship this past May, I went through a mild panic attack. When I told him the following day, he asked whether I should see a doctor to get medication. I told him that it's sorting out my feelings about losing someone that I love and that popping pills wasn't the first thing that I needed to do.

I know how I handle this type of panic attack. It's a question of knowing that I will be okay without him and that I will find happiness with someone down the road that makes the panic attack go away.

I was right. With time and the right frame of mind, I don't experience this mild panic anymore.

However, I still have moments of sadness. According to the book, it's normal. I knew that, too. It's nice to get confirmation that I'm doing just fine as I continue healing.

Book on coping with a breakup and periodic thoughts about my ex-guy

A few weeks ago, I bought a book on how to cope with a breakup. I started reading the first chapter, but got busy with a couple of trips. The chapter that I did read put me at ease.

My problem isn't keeping busy. From being on vacation, and being out and about, to getting through work tasks, I don't have a chance to think about my ex-guy.

The problem occurs when I am not busy. My mind floats over to the loving moments that we had together, as well as the fact that I deserved better towards the end of our relationship. Before I go to bed, I think of him. When I am driving home and my commute is nothing to sneeze at, he pops up in my head. It just happens.

I didn't have this issue with my ex-hubby. The difference is that I loved my ex-guy. I fell out of love with the ex-hubby.

I am far from being over him. Baby steps. Gone is my mild anxiety about us not being a couple, which is a positive sign. 

This weekend, I hope to read more chapters out of this book. Perhaps my memories and thoughts of him will slowly subside.

Some things are them, but not really

My ex-guy sent me a happy birthday message an hour after my birthday was over. He was late, which is who he is.

Some things never change. And yet, a ton has changed.

He has written a couple of e-mails to me since we broke up. I haven't replied to them. He said that he rarely checks his e-mail. He has written to me more from this account as of late.

I still need time away from him. This vacation has been therapeutic and helpful in my getting over him.

Fun weekend with friends and upcoming vacation

It has been a good weekend. I got together with a couple of friends on Saturday. I was out for practically the entire day, which was the main reason why I didn't have anything to post here. I was tired from being out and about.

I still have moments of sadness. They mostly happen at night, just before I fall asleep.

Last week, I received my book on how to handle a breakup. I need to find time to read it. I am off on vacation starting this upcoming weekend, so it'll give me some time to relax, unwind, and read.

Weekends are way too short. Luckily, it's my last workweek before I can make this upcoming one much longer.

Sick day, Raptors parade, crying, and loan

I decided to take a sick day on Monday. I am still getting rid of a cold and a mild cough. I also needed time for myself. Call it a healing day.

I went out to a movie and saw John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum. I have seen every John Wick movie. This one was okay. It wasn't my favourite. If you like tons of sword-slaying and gun-shooting action, this movie is for you.

Monday was also the Toronto Raptors parade. I decided not to partake, as I would be miserable all congested with a bunch of people for hours. I watched the entire parade and other coverage on TV. I cried. It was tears of joy and pride. I also felt good that I could let out a good cry. I haven't been able to since my guy broke up with me.

One final milestone on Monday was that I paid off my loan that I have had for years. My loan account no longer exists when I log in to my bank app. I am proud of myself for paying it off. I have more flexibility to allocate what I used to pay towards my loan to paying off other debt. I also want to save again and bulk up my emergency fund.

Sick, missing, and tired

I am still sick. I will likely take a sick day from work today. Currently, my nose is stuffed up, I'm tired, and I have a slight cough.

Being sick makes me think more about my guy breaking up with me. I miss what we had. I don't miss being hurt, as I'm already there.

He just sent me a video to watch. In his own way, he misses me. It makes me even more upset that he is perfectly fine carrying on. I can't do that. I need time to grieve. He isn't in tune with his emotions as much as I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Although I have moments of sadness, I cannot sob in despair like I did the two previous times that he broke up with me. It's that inner strength this time that demands being treated better. It is his loss. I simply need to move on. It will happen with time.

I took naps throughout the day on Sunday. I felt better after each nap, but I am tired. I believe that I have earned a sick day to shake this cold off and heal from this breakup.

Stronger - then and now

When Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, came out back in 2011, it became my anthem on multiple levels.

I was dealing with a colleague who was incompetent. It seems to still be the trend at my workplace these days. This guy was originally my manager. He had issues doing his job. Sleeping on the job will do that. Eventually, he made enemies with everyone, including me, and decided to leave the company.

I was going a back issue during this ordeal. I ended up getting back surgery to remove a disk that was causing a ton of numbness and pressure down my right leg. My guy and I became a couple just before I had surgery. Stronger became my song to get better and be my best self.

Frankly, I stopped tearing up a week ago. I was driving home from work and Stronger came on the radio. The lyrics hit me. It's okay to be sleep alone. The bed does feel warmer. It doesn't mean that I am over because you're gone.

It's trying to find the person that I was before the relationship. I have found her. I am hopefully wiser after this relationship, but I am strong and I will be okay.

In a past post, I had mentioned that I deserve better. I do, both in a romantic relationship and in a friendship. I am perfectly fine walking away from my friendship with him. I don't need to deal with his indecisiveness.

Last Friday, we had lunch together. There were a couple of hints that he still has feelings for me, but I didn't act on them.

"I have always loved your purple nail polish," he said.
"It's not the same colour. The one that you are referring to is long gone. I used the bottle up," I replied.

As we walked out of the restaurant, he touched my lower back. He hasn't done that in ages. I am thinking that it is habit more than anything.

When we got to the office, I simply said, "See you whenever," and walked away. It's exactly how I feel. I am not waiting for you. I don't want us to get back together. It's over. I am moving on and seeking someone who loves and respects me.

As for diving into a relationship, I'm not ready yet. I am going to enjoy some time to myself. If something happens, I'll figure it out then. Right now, I can't handle being in a relationship.

The breakup - for the third and likely final time

It has been well over a week. I needed some time to think about what had happened. The problem is that I have been pretty active and busy that I haven't had a chance to grieve.

My guy decided to call it quits. Quits means romantically. He wants to remain friends.

We have been together for years. For me, the withdrawal symptoms of not being affectionate towards someone have been tough.

I am oddly taking this breakup well. In the past, when he previously broke my heart twice, I was devastated each time. I sobbed and cried.

This one still hurts. I tear up now and again. I haven't gone into full-fledge sobbing or a good cry, though. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps I have, too.

I am more active now than I was the last two times that he broke my heart. I go out of various meetups. I am working on blog posts here and my side projects. Work has kept me busy.

I am only sad at night when I am not on the move. I sit on my bed, look at my purple sheep named Woolly, and go back to the exact moment when my guy gave Woolly to me.

I don't have that feeling of getting rid of all his stuff. I hug my purple plush sheep and I'm good. He is always smiling back at me.

In the past, I had to sever any relationship after we broke up. Part of me still wants to, as it has aleays been easier for me to heal. There were recent periods when I would say hi in a text message to him and I wouldn't get a thing. He would not communicate with me for weeks. I knew that something was up.

I said to him that if we were to be friends, I need better communication. Otherwise, I am perfectly find saying goodbye to him forever. He said that it wouldn't happen. In this regard, as much as he is my best friend, he actually needs my friendship more than I do of his. I will give it a shot. If I hate what we have, I will walk away. I have no regrets.

He didn't break up with me because he found someone new. He just has other side projects going on that love and sex have taken a backseat. I have always been accommodating to his needs. For me, I know that I deserve better. I am willing to find it with someone out there when I am ready.

In the meantime, I look forward to spending time with a good friend this weekend. Work is driving me crazy. My guy and I have had lunch a handful of times over the last 1.5 weeks. We have been good.

He asked me if I wanted a hug last Friday. We hugged. I needed it. It felt different, but it felt comforting.

Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, got me out of moments of sadness earlier this week. I will explain more in another post.

I am okay. It is a life shift. I'm not even sure if I can call him my guy here. I will probably need to think of a better name.