My mom broke her right arm

Hello! I haven't been writing much here. Things have been busy.

On Sunday, July 27, at roughly 9:30 am, my mom broke her right arm. She was going up a set of stairs, gripping onto the railing on either side of her. She lost her footing, spun around, and sat down on a square platform between two sets of stairs.

She landed safely. The problem was that she was still gripping on to both handrails. My dad and I were with her. We both heard her arm snap.

I called 911. She went to the hospital in an ambulance. I drove my dad up to the hospital. It has not been easy hanging out with my dad. He does not express himself well. He has anxiety. He lets out his feelings by yelling. He is also hard of hearing.

Everything that I do is not good enough for him. He said that I was driving slowly. Um, no. The paramedics need to get my mom checked in first. It doesn't make sense for me to break the sound barrier and try and be there before the ambulance.

My mom was in emergency. She got a makeshift cast after x-rays were done. The doctor said that she'd be back in a week's time. We got a call the following day to come in on Tuesday.

It's probably my main beef. Folks at the hospital aren't great at telling patients what is going on. They also use hospital jargon that does not make sense to a regular person like me.

I'll rant about these points later. I thought that I'd document things now before I forget.

Communication with the ex

I wrote back to the ex late last week. Yesterday, I got a reply from him.

I basically asked how he would make it comfortable for me if we do meet up. I indicated that I'd be looking across the table at a man who deeply hurt me, causing me emotional pain, anxiety, and depression. I didn't want a relapse.

He wants to start over with me. The thing is that he doesn't deserve to have my heart after shattering it. I have been fine without him in my life.

I doubt that he has changed. I don't know if he wants to. I got no indication that he does.

Dinner with a good friend about dating and my ex

On Friday night, I had dinner with a good friend. She asked me about the dating scene. I let her know that the ex had reached out to me.

I decided to write back to the ex on Thursday. I asked him how he was going to make this dinner that he had hoped for pleasant for me. After all, I'd be sitting across from a man who broke my heart, caused me so much anxiety, emotional pain, and depression for a year. I do not want to relapse.

He hasn't responded.

I let my friend know that I wasn't ready to date. I know that I am not ready.

She said the nicest thing towards the end of our time together over dinner. She said that I have the kindest heart and will eventually find the right person who will deserve my heart. She's equally as deserving of that special someone. We are in similar situations.

I don't think that my ex has changed since we last saw each other over three years ago. In his message to me, he said that we "always have a good time." No, we don't. I feel like he is delusional and is only thinking about the good times that we've had. He is omitting how poorly he treated me at the end of our relationship.

Visiting the old workplace and thinking of the ex

Within the last month, I have visited my old workplace a couple of times. Both times, I was there to use the washroom. It was the office before the company that I worked for got acquired by my current one.

I stood outside this building and memories flooded in. The ex-boyfriend touched my hand holding a Starbucks peppermint mocha. Steps away, in the parking lot, he popped open his car's trunk on Valentine's Day to give me a dozen roses.

Happy memories.

Naturally, I also thought of an unpleasant memory. There was one incident in particular where I texted him and he never responded. It caused anxiety.

Our relationship had many moments of anxiety. He removed me as a contact on Skype and I panicked. He added me back later on.

Since we broke up, I removed him as a contact on Skype. He sent me a request. I never added him back.

I doubt that he experienced the same anxiety. I am far more sensitive of a person to feel that void. He doesn't have that same sensitivity.

It's interesting how we were an item for nearly eight years and how it abruptly dissolved. The fact that I was with an emotionally inept person seems so odd to me now. I miss the happy times, but I'm glad that I don't feel those moments of anxiety anymore.

Heartburn

It has been years since I have experienced heartburn. The last time I had it, I was taking pain killers and I had to wean off them to get rid of my heartburn.

This time around, pain killers weren't the issue. It felt like anxiety of some sort, except that I haven't had to worry about anything major as of late.

It was weird, but I had a can of sparking lemonade yesterday and my heartburn went away. Interesting.

Today, my heartburn was minor. I decided to get some antacid while I was out and about. I wish that I could find antacid tablets that don't have any sugar.

I'm happy that my heartburn is on the way out.

Hair loss

Years ago, when I was stressed over my mom's stroke, I lost a significant amount of hair on my head. It was scary. Most of my hair grew back, thankfully.

These days, I am losing more hair than I usually do. I am stressed and anxious. I have a feeling that the latter is a vicious cycle. I'm anxious about my hair loss, which has continued because I'm stressed out.

Well, I have concluded that my hair loss isn't due to my anxiety or stress. It's likely a combination of my hair's regular growth cycle and the fact that I have been trying my hair back every day.

When I used to head to the office, I wore my hair down. Since I've been working from home for over three months, I only have my hair down after washing it and when I am asleep.

Lately, I have been letting my hair breathe by wearing it down more. Sure enough, my hair loss has lessened.

A small detail like letting my hair down makes such a huge difference.

Rescheduled dental appointment and relaxing

I was supposed to have my bi-annual dental appointment next week. My dentist's office is still closed. Instead, my appointment has been rescheduled to sometime in November.

I am relieved. My electric toothbrush that I've had for the past three months has been doing a great job.

On Sunday, I spent the day cooking and relaxing. It was great.

I'm relaxing now before I head to bed. I got a bit tense last hour. I'm still trying to figure out what is making me anxious. I'm now thinking that it's not work-related.

Self-cleaning vagina

The vagina is a fascinating organ. Although I miss having sex with a loving partner, self-pleasure is pretty good these days.

Like my menstrual cycle, the vagina also self-cleans monthly. When it happens, it's almost as if I am wet all the time. When I'm aroused while my vagina is self-cleaning, it's like Niagara Falls.

It's not a complain. I'm simply impressed.

I find that focusing on pleasuring myself helps with my anxiety these days. I still can't narrow down the cause of it, but my symptoms go away when I'm not in deep thought.

Panic attack - take 2

I thought that my panic attack would go away after fixing various problems that diva lady had introduced at work on Tuesday. After I fixed a few of them, I still felt tense.

My panic attack has eased a bit, but it's something else that is causing it. I dislike trying to do detective work to figure it out. Sometimes, it's not all that obvious to me.

I'm thinking now that it's the uncertainty that I had volunteered to pitch in and help diva woman with her activities, because her pace is slow to complete them and my manager doesn't have complete faith in her.

Panic is setting in because I am expecting a wave of work next week. It happens to coincide with our software release work. I have let my boss know. He said that diva would roll out a plan either last Friday or this past Monday. I haven't heard a thing.

It's the silliness of uncertainty that is causing my panic attack. Considering that I have experienced worse in the past, I feel that not knowing what diva is up to is causing my anxiety. She has no plan.

So, I just need to work with what I do know. I have work to do and I'll take things a day at a time.

Panic attack

It has been a while since I have experienced a panic attack. The last time was over a year ago when my ex-guy broke up with me.

My panic attack symptoms are straightforward. My feel like my breathe is short. My chest gets a bit tight. It's not a great feeling.

I used to get these symptoms often when I was in grade 7. I disliked doing presentations in front of the class. These days, I talk so much in front of people that it's not an issue.

My symptoms started happening on Sunday night. It briefly happened after work on Monday. It became full-blown after work on Tuesday.

It took me a while to figure out why. It's the dread that diva woman was taking over a task of mine blindly -- without truly knowing what she needed to do It was the dread of her messing up and the consequences that was and is causing this anxiety.

She drafted up a checklist at 2:30 am on Tuesday for me to review and decided to do this task 6.5 hours later. She had the software release number wrong right off the bat.

Yep, my dread was correct.

This task would take me just under five hours to do. By the time I was done with my workday on Tuesday, she hadn't finished. I realize that it was her first time doing the actual work, but taking eight hours is slow.

I have also realized that she messed up a sequence of changes. Ugh!

Right now, my panic attack symptoms are minimal. It's the case because I am writing about them here and the onus is on her when things aren't right.

I never expected getting a panic attack over this change. Weird. I'm sure that it'll disappear once her work is over.

Book on coping with a breakup and periodic thoughts about my ex-guy

A few weeks ago, I bought a book on how to cope with a breakup. I started reading the first chapter, but got busy with a couple of trips. The chapter that I did read put me at ease.

My problem isn't keeping busy. From being on vacation, and being out and about, to getting through work tasks, I don't have a chance to think about my ex-guy.

The problem occurs when I am not busy. My mind floats over to the loving moments that we had together, as well as the fact that I deserved better towards the end of our relationship. Before I go to bed, I think of him. When I am driving home and my commute is nothing to sneeze at, he pops up in my head. It just happens.

I didn't have this issue with my ex-hubby. The difference is that I loved my ex-guy. I fell out of love with the ex-hubby.

I am far from being over him. Baby steps. Gone is my mild anxiety about us not being a couple, which is a positive sign. 

This weekend, I hope to read more chapters out of this book. Perhaps my memories and thoughts of him will slowly subside.