Moments of sadness and reflection

I have been sad here and there as of late. I can't help but to think about the ex right about now. We started dating in mid-September. It was exciting and wonderful going into October.

That feeling is long gone. 

I loved the fun, loving guy that he was. He ended up sucking the fun out of our relationship by making up terms. I had had enough when he wanted to be friends only -- no relationship and no sex. He then changed his mind a year later. He wanted the sex and friendship. No relationship.

I had had it. I wanted no sex, no relationship, and no friendship.

Even though I am at peace with my decision, I still have moments of sadness. When we were together and he didn't impose these ridiculous terms, it was magical. When he added terms that appeased him, it made me upset. When he ended our relationship, he hurt me. I felt abandoned and unloved.

For over a year, I have had to rediscover who I am. The person that I was before this relationship. The person that I am after having my heart torn apart, picking the pieces up, and telling him to shove it.

It's okay that I have moments of sadness and vulnerability. I was in it for nearly eight years. I'm entitled.

Maybe someday, I'll be with someone who loves me unconditionally. I'm still not there. I'm okay with it. 

The ex-guy strikes a text conversation

A few posts ago, I wrote about my ex-guy sending me a short e-mail after realizing that I had not sent him any birthday greetings this year. He had included a picture of two purple birds. Purple is my favourite colour. I read that the two birds represented us.

Well, unfortunately, I was correct.

When I was writing yesterday's blog post, he texted me. I fought through putting that post up, as I was upset.

Ever since he has broken up with me, I have not shed a tear over him. I cried on and off yesterday. The hurt and painful feelings came flooding back.

I had not replied to the birds e-mail. Last night, he texted me and asked whether I was ever going to write back to him. In my head, since he ended our relationship, my first thought to that question hasn't changed. I told him that he broke my heart. I had nothing to say to him.

He wanted to chat over the phone or meet. I said that I wasn't interested in the former and that I needed to practise physical distancing from COVID-19.

The annoying part of this text message exchange was that this jerk decided to negotiate terms of a relationship with him. What? He said that it would be the same, except that we'd take out hotel stays and trips together.

I told him off. He claimed that he misses me and the fun times that we used to have. If he truly wanted me back, I would expect him to not take away aspects of our relationship that we once enjoyed as a couple.

I got a number of points off my chest:

• I wasn't interested in talking to someone who broke my heart and has caused me so much sadness
• I let him know that he treated me like dirt and that his needs have always superseded mine
• I pointed out that his conditions and restrictions cited in this new set of relationship terms was nonsense and stupid
• I had no problem telling him that if he had a heart, he'd understand that he was upsetting me by contacting me
• I stated that I wasn't going to settle for these stupid relationship terms
• I dictate the terms -- he doesn't
• I didn't want to talk to him because things aren't the same between us

Yeah, it's sad that he ruined the start of my long Easter weekend. Although I am intermittently sad right now, I am proud that I stood my ground. I'm stronger than I realized.

In the meantime, I am listening to a lot of music to make me feel better.