Communication with the ex

I wrote back to the ex late last week. Yesterday, I got a reply from him.

I basically asked how he would make it comfortable for me if we do meet up. I indicated that I'd be looking across the table at a man who deeply hurt me, causing me emotional pain, anxiety, and depression. I didn't want a relapse.

He wants to start over with me. The thing is that he doesn't deserve to have my heart after shattering it. I have been fine without him in my life.

I doubt that he has changed. I don't know if he wants to. I got no indication that he does.

Dinner with a good friend about dating and my ex

On Friday night, I had dinner with a good friend. She asked me about the dating scene. I let her know that the ex had reached out to me.

I decided to write back to the ex on Thursday. I asked him how he was going to make this dinner that he had hoped for pleasant for me. After all, I'd be sitting across from a man who broke my heart, caused me so much anxiety, emotional pain, and depression for a year. I do not want to relapse.

He hasn't responded.

I let my friend know that I wasn't ready to date. I know that I am not ready.

She said the nicest thing towards the end of our time together over dinner. She said that I have the kindest heart and will eventually find the right person who will deserve my heart. She's equally as deserving of that special someone. We are in similar situations.

I don't think that my ex has changed since we last saw each other over three years ago. In his message to me, he said that we "always have a good time." No, we don't. I feel like he is delusional and is only thinking about the good times that we've had. He is omitting how poorly he treated me at the end of our relationship.

Hair salons and Canada Day

As expected, hair salons were busy the first day out of lockdown. I did a quick look at an app that I have with my salon and there was a three-hour wait.

I will wait to get my hair cut next week at the earliest. Perhaps things will be better then.

I had a nice day doing my usual grocery run earlier in the afternoon. I ended up shopping at a couple of places that I haven't dropped by in over three months. It felt great and freeing.

My pay got deposited a day early. Today's Canada Day. Many have heavy hearts this holiday, but there is always something good to look forward to.

Theory about a mysterious gift last Christmas

Just before Christmas, I received a book from an anonymous person. I saw the Amazon Prime sticker on the box and thought that it was something that I had ordered that had arrived. I ripped the box open and still don't know who sent me this book.

I have been thinking that it may have been the ex-guy. He has an Amazon Prime membership. He obviously knows where I live. I haven't communicated with him since I told him to stop contacting me last July. He has never mentioned anything about this book. He likely got confirmation that the shipment was delivered and was satisfied with that information.

The book? It's The Longevity Paradox by Steven R. Gundry. It's essentially a book about how to live a long, healthy, happy life.

Perhaps the ex felt guilty that he broke my heart and ruined a part of my life that this book would help me. Maybe he truly wants me to live a longer, happier life.

Anyway, I haven't read much from it. I suppose that I should and see if I do grow old, happy, and healthy.

Sharing my thoughts about my intern

Today was my intern's last workday. I'll write about today tomorrow.

Yesterday, our team was asked to say a few words about him in our virtual meeting. I liked what I said to him. It was heartfelt and he appreciated it.

I said that it was a pleasure training and working with him. I told him that from his first two weeks to the growth that I have seen in him to become the writer that he currently is has made me so proud of him. 

I thanked him for being my wingman when going out to grab a bite to eat. I also liked that we bonded over the university that we chose to do our undergraduate degree. I looked forward to his joining me as an alum soon.

Over the course of his twelve-month term, I have been good in letting him know how he was doing. I'm glad that I did. I will miss working with him.

The insensitive jerk called, but didn't leave a lasting impression

The insensitive jerk, also known as my ex-guy, called me just after 21:00 last night. I looked at the number displayed on my phone and let it ring.

As expected, it went to voicemail. He didn't leave a message.

I didn't call him back. I was getting reacquainted with my old mini laptop that has Windows 7 loaded. I haven't booted it up in years. Yes, this old laptop took precedence.

I figure that he has second thoughts about his decision last year to end our relationship. The problem is that he thinks that we can pick up from where we left off. We can't. I can't.

My ex and his YouTube channel

I feel that I need to get rid of my ex-guy as a connection on LinkedIn. It's good that he was never interested in social media, so distancing myself from him on those platforms after he broke my heart has been easy.

He isn't on LinkedIn much. Neither am I. I go on there once every month or two. Well, in my feed wiht twenty notifications was a post from him. He invited people to look at his YouTube channel where he does book reviews.

My eyes rolled. They rolled hard. I checked one video out. I stopped after a minute.

He isn't the guy I fell in love with. All I see is an insensitive jerk who only contacts me these days when he's horny. He looks sincere in the video. I know better. It's a facade.

It took him a year to post these videos. He actually posted these videos in August 2019. I don't know why it took him a year to promote his channel.

I'm glad that he has a hobby. I simply don't want to hear about it.

Soreness, forgiveness, and Hamilton

The soreness from my self-spanking is nearly gone. I'm so pleased with my work!

On my birthday, I treated myself to Hamilton, the musical that was released that day, by signing up forf an account on Disney+. I finally watched it and loved it.

I am not great at forgiveness. It's part of how I cope. If you have hurt me, I don't want anything to do with you.

It's currently the situation with the ex-guy. I don't want anything to do with him, so I can't forgive him for breaking my heart. I don't think I could ever be forgiving, like Eliza was to Alexander Hamilton by taking him back.

If you like musical and historical stories, go stream Hamilton. It's excellent.

A haircut and a horny ex

I finally got my hair cut on Saturday. It has been six months since I last had it cut.

My theory holds true. For the last three months that I have been working from home, I have had my hair tied back in a ponytail. Both my hair's length and the fact that I had it tied back caused a lot of hair loss. Throw in some stress and it got worse.

Tonight, with my much shorter hair, I washed it. My hair loss is significantly less thus far. Yay!

After I wrote my post last night, I got a series of texts from the ex-guy. He was horny.

I haven't responded to him. I have nothing to say other than it was his loss for letting me go.

My ex's birthday and not wishing him a good one

Today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. It is the first in a long time where we are not a couple.

Although I am a thoughtful person, I have made the painful decision to not wish him a happy birthday. Saying a one-sentence greeting will prompt communication with him.

I don't want it. It would hurt. Thinking about him still does here and there.

I know how I felt when he had reached out to me a few times since he broke up with me. I didn't like him wishing me a happy 2020. It felt like a farce and incredibly insincere. I didn't like when he wished me a happy birthday last year. He was late, but made the claim that he was still on time. Whatever.

Although I miss his kisses, hugs, and conversation from time to time, the bottomline is that he broke my heart. It's not in my best interest to open up a healing wound by initiating conversation with the very person who hurt me.

Beer, food, and a declined phone call

Last night, I invited my intern to a beer and food event. He loved it. I had a great time, too. The company was welcomed.

I drove him home. We get along well. It was around 9 pm and I didn't want him to take public transit when I could easily drive him home.

While we were talking and driving, my cell phone rang. It was my ex-guy.

I immediately declined his call. I wasn't ready to take it. I didn't want to take it.

I don't know why he wanted to talk to me. He didn't leave me a voice message.

Weird. I am relieved that he didn't leave a message.

I do wish that he'd stop contacting me. He obviously can't take a hint that I want nothing to do with him. He broke my heart. I have nothing to say to him.

These days, things are good. I am finally in a good place.

Surprise text full of honest, sweet thoughts

The man in my life is sweet and mushy. He poured his heart out in a text last night to me. It was poignant.

He had said that he can't write a novel. He proved himself wrong. It was nice and I woke up wiht a smile on my face reading it.

It's nice to feel loved again. To feel like someone out there cares and is genuinely sweet.

New love - pacing it

I have been chatting with a guy online for three weeks. It has been great getting to know each other.

He told me that he is falling in love with me. That's sweet. It's nice to feel loved again. The feeling is mutual.

We are taking things slow. We are similar in that we got our hearts broken. It's a question of trusting that we can love and find love again. So far, we are doing great.

Ladyscaping

Manscaping has been a term that is used often to describe men trimming hair in private areas. How about ladyscaping? I haven't used it until now. I have talked about it briefly here and there, but never really knew that there was a word for it.

When I first started dating my ex-guy, he played with my rather abundant pubic hair. He said that it could use a trim, but liked it. When he broke up with my for the second time (there has been a grand total of three times), I decided to trim it short. When we got back together, he liked it and wondered why I did it.

My heart was broken. I needed a change.

Last night, I decided to do my usual pubic hair trimming. I have it down to a science. It takes little time these days. I find it therapeutic.

I see discussions online about trimming public hair into shapes, such as a triangle, or using stencils to make cute shapes. I don't see myself doing it. Never say never, though.

My heart's healing well!

My ex-guy's car has been parked at our workplace's parking lot for a month. When he first parked his car there after we had broken up, a ton of emotions came flooding in. Sad. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Probably more.

I worked from home Monday through Wednesday this week. I returned to work yesterday and his car was no longer there.

I felt okay. That's a good sign.

I'm still healing, but I'm making decent progress.

Fortune about only the wisest and stupidest people never changing

On Saturday, I went to a Chinese restaurant for a late lunch. At the end of the meal, I got a fortune cookie.

Here was my fortune:

I don't think that it's just men. My incompetent colleague fits this scenario, for instance.

Perhaps it can also be applied to my ex-guy. He has broken up with me three times. I should have known that he had issues and wasn't going to change the first time he broke up with me.

Of course, it's easier to look back and observe. This fortune was interesting that way. It's all about perspective and interpretation.

I'm going to break your heart

Last week, on the plane going to Minneapolis, I watched a documentary called I'm Going to Break Your Heart. The documentary spotlights the relationship between Chantal Kreviazuk and Raine Maida, who have successful music careers and have been married for over twenty years.

They relationship has bumps. They are seen going to counselling. They work at their relationship, as head as it can get.

They wrote many songs together during this documentary. One of them was the title of this documentary. I lost it. I was crying on the plane.

My ex-guy broke my heart -- three times too many. We never went to counselling. Part of me wishes that we did, but he abruptly ended our relationship.

There are nights where I think of him. One part of me misses the good, fun parts of our relationship. I know that it isn't healthy to want to try it again. I do not want to be hurt by him again. I want better.

I continue to heal. It's not an easy journey. I get by one day at a time.

Reminders of a severed relationship and looking forward to travel

My ex-guy's car is parked at work again. This time around, seeing his car doesn't hurt as much.

He broke my heart. I find it difficult to have him in my life. It is far easier to sever ties with him. It is too painful to relive being happy in our relationship and having the plug pulled on a Monday -- likely the worst day of the week to break up. Then again, any day to select as a break-up day isn't great.

I have a few days before I fly off to the Twin Cities. I am excited to be back after nine years. It'll do me some good.

Sadness at night

I have moments of sadness. They typically happen in bed at night.

Last night was rough. I was sad about how my ex-guy had let me go. We shared so much and everything just ended.

Poof. Just like that.

It's unfortunate that I am a sensitive, feely person. It takes me a while to sort my emotions and get over this hump. I'm not on a strict healing schedule when I need to be happy now and in a relationship. I have been good on the most part. Being busy helps. Doing what I enjoy has been therapeutic.

At night, I'm simply lying in bed. Thinking. Memories rush in. I feel sad when they are about my ex-guy.

I still haven't been able to fully cry. My eyes get teary, but they don't fall down my face. I'm not as sad as I have been in the past when he has previously broken up with me.

I know that I deserve better. I deserve to be with a good guy who loves me and wants me.

I am hopeful. I just wish that these sad moments would fade, but that will take some more time.

Sad about my ex-guy reaching out to me through a work program

My ex-guy and I work for the same company. He works from home all the time and doesn't require going into the office. I go into work three times each week and work from home for the remaining days.

Since he let me go, he has written a couple of e-mails to me through his personal account to mine. I didn't bother to reply to either. The fact that he was late to say happy birthday to me because he was his typical late self did not impress me.

My guess is that he is wondering how I am, as I am not writing back. Frankly, I need some space and don't have anything to contribute.

At work, we have a thank-you program, where you can write a little message and award some points to someone at work. It's to show your appreciation and the recipient can get something from our company's e-commerce site. We get a certain number of points dropped into our accounts every month.

Well, he sent me some points and a one-liner to say thanks for helping him out. As nice as that gesture was, it makes me sad that he ended our relationship -- that he hurt me. Yet, he thinks that things are the same. They aren't.