Beer, food, and a declined phone call

Last night, I invited my intern to a beer and food event. He loved it. I had a great time, too. The company was welcomed.

I drove him home. We get along well. It was around 9 pm and I didn't want him to take public transit when I could easily drive him home.

While we were talking and driving, my cell phone rang. It was my ex-guy.

I immediately declined his call. I wasn't ready to take it. I didn't want to take it.

I don't know why he wanted to talk to me. He didn't leave me a voice message.

Weird. I am relieved that he didn't leave a message.

I do wish that he'd stop contacting me. He obviously can't take a hint that I want nothing to do with him. He broke my heart. I have nothing to say to him.

These days, things are good. I am finally in a good place.

Getting rid of dry roses

When it was almost Valentine's Day nearly a decade ago, my ex-guy brought me a dozen roses. I loved the sweet gesture. I had the roses dried. They remained in a nice vase, on my desk, ever since.

A few days ago, I threw them away. It was time. It felt good.

I never got fresh flowers from him. It was a one-time deal. I suppose that's why I kept the roses for so long. I wanted to hold on to that special time.

I decided to let that special time go. The memories are fond, but they need to stay that way.

Thoughts about the ex

Now that I am on vacation and the craziness has died down, thoughts about my ex-guy pop into my head. I hope to find a nice man in the near future. However, it still doesn't sit well how the ex ended our relationship.

It's natural for me to try and figure out what I did wrong. Frankly, I still think that he changed and simply wanted to do his own thing. I have accepted it. I just didn't like his spending months treating me like dirt by not communicating with me. His decision made 2019 not my best year. Yet, I have managed to get by.

I wish that I could shut down these random thoughts when things aren't busy in my life. I need to work on it.

Reminders of a severed relationship and looking forward to travel

My ex-guy's car is parked at work again. This time around, seeing his car doesn't hurt as much.

He broke my heart. I find it difficult to have him in my life. It is far easier to sever ties with him. It is too painful to relive being happy in our relationship and having the plug pulled on a Monday -- likely the worst day of the week to break up. Then again, any day to select as a break-up day isn't great.

I have a few days before I fly off to the Twin Cities. I am excited to be back after nine years. It'll do me some good.

Purchasing a jacket that I thought I didn't need, but actually do

The other night, I realized that I had some GAPcash left. It means that if I spend $50 at either a regular GAP store or its outlet, I can get $20 off. That's not bad at all.

My problem? As much as I love this store, I don't exactly need anything. Well, that's what I thought.

I drove over there after work on Monday. There was a lightweight puffy jacket that was 50% off. I actually needed one. I have had mine for five years and it was falling apart. Some of the stuffing (yes, the fluff inside the jacket) was coming out of the sleeves and sides. I didn't get rid of it last year because it is perfect for me. I got a replacement jacket and it is too warm when it's not nippy outside. It works better when it's the middle of winter and it's truly cold.

Anyway, I tried this jacket on and I liked it. I got it. I'm so happy.

I had another GAPcash coupon left. I knew that I wasn't going to use it, as it was the last day that it was valid. Instead, I gave it to an older female shopper who asked how much a coat was. The cashier who had helped me out said that it was $55. She could get it for $35 with the coupon.

It's nice to pay it forward and make someone's day.

First day of a new work term and a dream about French kissing

Last night, I dreamt about my ex-guy. He said that he wanted to not only French kiss me, but to put his tongue down my mouth.

It was a strange dream. I'm not sure what it signifies.

Several hours from now, a new work term begins. Last Friday, I was given the news that our new student starts today. I wasn't prepared for such a quick start. Here's hoping that his laptop is available. Otherwise, it will be my doing a bunch of demonstrations during my training sessions.

I had a great weekend. I am looking forward to my next long weekend in over a month.

Fun weekend with friends and upcoming vacation

It has been a good weekend. I got together with a couple of friends on Saturday. I was out for practically the entire day, which was the main reason why I didn't have anything to post here. I was tired from being out and about.

I still have moments of sadness. They mostly happen at night, just before I fall asleep.

Last week, I received my book on how to handle a breakup. I need to find time to read it. I am off on vacation starting this upcoming weekend, so it'll give me some time to relax, unwind, and read.

Weekends are way too short. Luckily, it's my last workweek before I can make this upcoming one much longer.

Stronger - then and now

When Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, came out back in 2011, it became my anthem on multiple levels.

I was dealing with a colleague who was incompetent. It seems to still be the trend at my workplace these days. This guy was originally my manager. He had issues doing his job. Sleeping on the job will do that. Eventually, he made enemies with everyone, including me, and decided to leave the company.

I was going a back issue during this ordeal. I ended up getting back surgery to remove a disk that was causing a ton of numbness and pressure down my right leg. My guy and I became a couple just before I had surgery. Stronger became my song to get better and be my best self.

Frankly, I stopped tearing up a week ago. I was driving home from work and Stronger came on the radio. The lyrics hit me. It's okay to be sleep alone. The bed does feel warmer. It doesn't mean that I am over because you're gone.

It's trying to find the person that I was before the relationship. I have found her. I am hopefully wiser after this relationship, but I am strong and I will be okay.

In a past post, I had mentioned that I deserve better. I do, both in a romantic relationship and in a friendship. I am perfectly fine walking away from my friendship with him. I don't need to deal with his indecisiveness.

Last Friday, we had lunch together. There were a couple of hints that he still has feelings for me, but I didn't act on them.

"I have always loved your purple nail polish," he said.
"It's not the same colour. The one that you are referring to is long gone. I used the bottle up," I replied.

As we walked out of the restaurant, he touched my lower back. He hasn't done that in ages. I am thinking that it is habit more than anything.

When we got to the office, I simply said, "See you whenever," and walked away. It's exactly how I feel. I am not waiting for you. I don't want us to get back together. It's over. I am moving on and seeking someone who loves and respects me.

As for diving into a relationship, I'm not ready yet. I am going to enjoy some time to myself. If something happens, I'll figure it out then. Right now, I can't handle being in a relationship.

The breakup - for the third and likely final time

It has been well over a week. I needed some time to think about what had happened. The problem is that I have been pretty active and busy that I haven't had a chance to grieve.

My guy decided to call it quits. Quits means romantically. He wants to remain friends.

We have been together for years. For me, the withdrawal symptoms of not being affectionate towards someone have been tough.

I am oddly taking this breakup well. In the past, when he previously broke my heart twice, I was devastated each time. I sobbed and cried.

This one still hurts. I tear up now and again. I haven't gone into full-fledge sobbing or a good cry, though. Perhaps he has changed. Perhaps I have, too.

I am more active now than I was the last two times that he broke my heart. I go out of various meetups. I am working on blog posts here and my side projects. Work has kept me busy.

I am only sad at night when I am not on the move. I sit on my bed, look at my purple sheep named Woolly, and go back to the exact moment when my guy gave Woolly to me.

I don't have that feeling of getting rid of all his stuff. I hug my purple plush sheep and I'm good. He is always smiling back at me.

In the past, I had to sever any relationship after we broke up. Part of me still wants to, as it has aleays been easier for me to heal. There were recent periods when I would say hi in a text message to him and I wouldn't get a thing. He would not communicate with me for weeks. I knew that something was up.

I said to him that if we were to be friends, I need better communication. Otherwise, I am perfectly find saying goodbye to him forever. He said that it wouldn't happen. In this regard, as much as he is my best friend, he actually needs my friendship more than I do of his. I will give it a shot. If I hate what we have, I will walk away. I have no regrets.

He didn't break up with me because he found someone new. He just has other side projects going on that love and sex have taken a backseat. I have always been accommodating to his needs. For me, I know that I deserve better. I am willing to find it with someone out there when I am ready.

In the meantime, I look forward to spending time with a good friend this weekend. Work is driving me crazy. My guy and I have had lunch a handful of times over the last 1.5 weeks. We have been good.

He asked me if I wanted a hug last Friday. We hugged. I needed it. It felt different, but it felt comforting.

Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, got me out of moments of sadness earlier this week. I will explain more in another post.

I am okay. It is a life shift. I'm not even sure if I can call him my guy here. I will probably need to think of a better name.

Ignoring work e-mails and owing me

My guy is horrible at looking at his work e-mail. He has thousands of unread e-mails. On the contrary, I need to read each one and don't have this problem.

"Did you read about the new strong authentication process that we have? We need to switch over to the new system by the end of May," I said.

I got a long, blank stare. It was confirmation that he hadn't.

"You still don't read your e-mails, right?" I asked rhetorically.
"I am bad with reading them," he admitted. "I read yours, though."
"That's nice. I'm glad you don't label them as spam," I joked.
"No, I always pay attention to your e-mails. Can you forward me this one?" he asked.
"Sure. You owe me," I noted.
"I always do, sweetie," he said, smiling at me.

I sometimes wonder what he'd do if I didn't let him know about such important procedures at work.

Trip is postponed, but sweet words carry on

My guy broke a bit of bad news.

"My trip to Seattle is postponed again," he told me.
"Bummer," I replied. "Keep me posted. I will join you when it's resurrected."
"I was really looking forward to having you for a week," he admitted.
"You have me already," I said, smiling.
"I know. I just love seeing you after work when I am on the road."

He's sweet, as always.