Communication with the ex

I wrote back to the ex late last week. Yesterday, I got a reply from him.

I basically asked how he would make it comfortable for me if we do meet up. I indicated that I'd be looking across the table at a man who deeply hurt me, causing me emotional pain, anxiety, and depression. I didn't want a relapse.

He wants to start over with me. The thing is that he doesn't deserve to have my heart after shattering it. I have been fine without him in my life.

I doubt that he has changed. I don't know if he wants to. I got no indication that he does.

Dinner with a good friend about dating and my ex

On Friday night, I had dinner with a good friend. She asked me about the dating scene. I let her know that the ex had reached out to me.

I decided to write back to the ex on Thursday. I asked him how he was going to make this dinner that he had hoped for pleasant for me. After all, I'd be sitting across from a man who broke my heart, caused me so much anxiety, emotional pain, and depression for a year. I do not want to relapse.

He hasn't responded.

I let my friend know that I wasn't ready to date. I know that I am not ready.

She said the nicest thing towards the end of our time together over dinner. She said that I have the kindest heart and will eventually find the right person who will deserve my heart. She's equally as deserving of that special someone. We are in similar situations.

I don't think that my ex has changed since we last saw each other over three years ago. In his message to me, he said that we "always have a good time." No, we don't. I feel like he is delusional and is only thinking about the good times that we've had. He is omitting how poorly he treated me at the end of our relationship.

Toilet roll dream

A few nights ago, I dreamt of a toilet paper roll. It was odd.

I looked at what it may symbolize. There are many interpretations.

One interpretation is that it's a warming. Someone is apparently wanting to invade my personal territory or get confidential information.

A second interpretation is the following from dream-meaning.net:

To dream about toilet paper rolls, represents aftermath and cleanup of emotional release. You are ready to heal and recover from your emotional outburst. It should be noted that you will still leave a mark somewhere, but those marks will soon be forgotten.

My guess is that telling my ex that I hate him and that he's an asshole fits this interpretation. Although I don't like saying cross words to anyone, it was time to tell him off. I'm at peace with my outburst. He needed to hear it, as opposed to his thinking that we could continue being friends, even though he hurt me deeply.

Sick day, Raptors parade, crying, and loan

I decided to take a sick day on Monday. I am still getting rid of a cold and a mild cough. I also needed time for myself. Call it a healing day.

I went out to a movie and saw John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum. I have seen every John Wick movie. This one was okay. It wasn't my favourite. If you like tons of sword-slaying and gun-shooting action, this movie is for you.

Monday was also the Toronto Raptors parade. I decided not to partake, as I would be miserable all congested with a bunch of people for hours. I watched the entire parade and other coverage on TV. I cried. It was tears of joy and pride. I also felt good that I could let out a good cry. I haven't been able to since my guy broke up with me.

One final milestone on Monday was that I paid off my loan that I have had for years. My loan account no longer exists when I log in to my bank app. I am proud of myself for paying it off. I have more flexibility to allocate what I used to pay towards my loan to paying off other debt. I also want to save again and bulk up my emergency fund.

Sick, missing, and tired

I am still sick. I will likely take a sick day from work today. Currently, my nose is stuffed up, I'm tired, and I have a slight cough.

Being sick makes me think more about my guy breaking up with me. I miss what we had. I don't miss being hurt, as I'm already there.

He just sent me a video to watch. In his own way, he misses me. It makes me even more upset that he is perfectly fine carrying on. I can't do that. I need time to grieve. He isn't in tune with his emotions as much as I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Although I have moments of sadness, I cannot sob in despair like I did the two previous times that he broke up with me. It's that inner strength this time that demands being treated better. It is his loss. I simply need to move on. It will happen with time.

I took naps throughout the day on Sunday. I felt better after each nap, but I am tired. I believe that I have earned a sick day to shake this cold off and heal from this breakup.

Making up for lost (Skype) time

I haven't written much as of late. I thought that I would have lots of time to blog, as my guy is on the road for a few weeks. I was wrong.

My guy has been away this week. We have chatted on Skype six out of seven evenings. It has been great.

My guy has been expressing how he feels a lot more. Here are some highlights:

• He mentioned in a text conversation that we have grown closer and are best friends.
• When we talked yesterday, he said he wants to make sure that folks don't treat me badly, or he'd do something about it, as "precious things need protection."
• He said that I have all the best qualities he could hope for in a girlfriend.

He is sweet.

We managed to have phone sex a couple of times. The first time was on Tuesday evening. It was intense and wonderful.

A first happened to him. He is normally dopey after he has ejaculated. The following day, we had this exchange on Skype: 

MG: Good morning, babe. Just wanted to let you know I'm still dopey.
Me: Good morning, sweetie. Wow! You are adorable when you're dopey, though.
MG: We've grown to become best friends. When we don't meet for a while, I feel really bad
Me: I agree. We're close, although physically apart.
Me: No need to feel bad. We eventually do meet. Skype has helped this week.

At lunch time, we connected on Skype again:

Me: Are you still dopey or is it wearing off?
MG: Still dopey! It's unreal
Me: Wow, that's different. Normally, you're good the next day.
Me: You truly did/do miss me.
MG: Very true
MG: I have every right to miss such a hot babe like you
Me: That's sweet.

We were both horny:

Me: All I think about is nuzzling your cock. I have always enjoyed that.
MG: You have no idea how much I enjoy that.
Me: I know. It stood up and told me so. =)
MG: Face to face... lol
Me: =)

We chatted on Skype that evening. He admitted that after I had mentioned that I liked to nuzzle his penis, that he was hard as all can be. He yearned to have me do that. It will be another week till we see each other.

Anyway, my guy is coming home tomorrow. He flies out on Sunday. We don't have time to meet this weekend, as he's off to Sweden. However, he told me that he'd call me once he arrives there.

Although we have been separated from each other all week, we are closer than ever. It's good.

Rescheduled meeting due to sickness

Unfortunately, the parking lot meeting didn't pan out.

Just before 11 am, my guy and I were texting on Skype. He told me that he was coming down with a cold. He seems to come down with a lot of them these days, which concerns me. I used so many sad smiley faces during our chat today that it was probably a record for me.

Here's an excerpt from our online chat. I started asking him if my guy (MG) would like to reschedule our meeting:

MG: I guess I'll reschedule
Me: :(
MG: Sorry about that. I was looking forward to it, too.
Me: I knew that it'd be a sad day. :(
MG: Why?
Me: I need to add a sad face to my profile
MG: Will make it up to you next week
Me: You're sick +  I won't see you = :(
MG: I know
MG: But you need to show me your beautiful smile
MG: It makes me feel bad when you are sad
Me: I know, but I can't help it
Me: Well, do get some rest and get better soon, so you can make it up sometime next week. :)
MG: Yes, that's much better :)
Me: But, I don't feel :)
MG: I know
MG: I'm really sorry
Me: I need a smiley that pouts
Me: It's okay. We'll deal with you next week. ;)
MG: Sounds good ;)

My guy says that he's not an emotional person. The fact that he told me that he feels bad when I am sad makes me think otherwise. That statement was sweet.

I did go into work today. He was still there. He had told me that he was going to leave after lunch. Instead, he waited for me to arrive. We talked. We laughed. He blew me a kiss from his cubicle, for he didn't want to give me his cold.

I told him that it was great to see him again. I am a lucky girl to have such a guy in my life. My backside patiently waits to be spanked by him.

Phone sex: hang up the phone after climaxing?

My guy and I had another phone sex session today. Although it was pretty intense, what he had said before we started put a bit of a dark cloud over my head and experience for a brief period. I forgot about it while we were into talking about spanking and having sex. However, the more I think about one of his requests, the more unclear I am about my reaction.

His request was that after he had reached orgasm that he wanted to abruptly hang up the phone. He didn't want to talk. He realized that women like to cuddle and guys just want to sleep. However, he felt that he was too spent to stay on the line.

I told him that I didn't like that. I find it to be rude. I'm the type who likes to cuddle if he were with me. I'd cradle him in my arms if he fell asleep. He immediately said that he wouldn't hang up on me.

Perhaps hanging up on me feels like he is rejecting me. It seems harsh. Sure, you reached orgasm. What about me? Today was one such case in which he got there first, but I hadn't. So, does that mean that you leave me to get to that pleasurable orgasmic phase on my own while you just clean up after yourself or sleep?

I shouldn't feel like I'm being selfish here, but I do right now. If I made him climax in-person and then he just walked away, I'd be hurt. Maybe I'm too emotionally involved when it comes to phone sex.