Communication with the ex

I wrote back to the ex late last week. Yesterday, I got a reply from him.

I basically asked how he would make it comfortable for me if we do meet up. I indicated that I'd be looking across the table at a man who deeply hurt me, causing me emotional pain, anxiety, and depression. I didn't want a relapse.

He wants to start over with me. The thing is that he doesn't deserve to have my heart after shattering it. I have been fine without him in my life.

I doubt that he has changed. I don't know if he wants to. I got no indication that he does.

Dinner with a good friend about dating and my ex

On Friday night, I had dinner with a good friend. She asked me about the dating scene. I let her know that the ex had reached out to me.

I decided to write back to the ex on Thursday. I asked him how he was going to make this dinner that he had hoped for pleasant for me. After all, I'd be sitting across from a man who broke my heart, caused me so much anxiety, emotional pain, and depression for a year. I do not want to relapse.

He hasn't responded.

I let my friend know that I wasn't ready to date. I know that I am not ready.

She said the nicest thing towards the end of our time together over dinner. She said that I have the kindest heart and will eventually find the right person who will deserve my heart. She's equally as deserving of that special someone. We are in similar situations.

I don't think that my ex has changed since we last saw each other over three years ago. In his message to me, he said that we "always have a good time." No, we don't. I feel like he is delusional and is only thinking about the good times that we've had. He is omitting how poorly he treated me at the end of our relationship.

Honesty about anxiety and depression at work

I had a decent talk with my newest addition to my team. One of my students and I were training her on Monday. At the end of the session, what I didn't expect was this woman sharing that she has been depressed and anxious for two years.

It hit home for me. I have been there. So has my guy.

The good news is that she is on medication, which has put her back on track. She feels good. It shows. She is funnier during our team meetings.

I was impressed that she trusted us to share what she has been going through. Add to that mix the fact that her past two team leads have said negative things about her with little justification and my manager asking her to submit weekly reports (she is the only person on our entire team doing this task) can add to that depression and anxiety.

I thanked her for sharing all this information. I told her that I'm happy that she is on my team. She seemed to be absorbing the information well. She also asked thoughtful, intelligent questions today. She has potential. It probably hasn't been noticed by others.

I'm optimistic. I let her know to leave the baggage and negative past work experiences behind her. We are working with a clean slate now. She appreciated it.

Medication, diet, sleep, and travel

I decided to take Monday off as a vacation day. This weekend is a three-day weekend for me. It is much needed!

My guy has been on medication to counter depression for nearly a year now. I have definitely noticed that his mood is more stabilized. Of course, any medication has side effects. In his case, it has increased his blood sugar.

It has been helpful that I have been able to support him. I lost sixty pounds and have kept it off for five years. I reduced carbs and sugar from my diet. He has done the same. 

His doctor has decided to put him on another medication, to keep his blood sugar down. 

"Sorry I haven't called you," he apologized on Saturday. "I haven't been exercising since I went on my new medication. Exercising while talking to you helps a ton."
"It's okay. You are probably enjoying not working out in favour of sleeping in."

Although we both laughed, it is a fact. My guy would rather sleep in than exercise. I don't blame him! He has promised to exercise three times a week. He simply needed to test out his new medication.

My guy hasn't travelled much lately for work, which has been great. We have been spending more time together. He does have a trip in December for a week. That's not bad at all.

Costco and real Coke

My guy loves shopping at Costco. He called me tonight while walking on a treadmill at the gym.

"The new Costco is fifteen minutes away from my place if I walk there," he explained. "It opens in early November."
"That's great. You might as well live there. You can set up your bed with a new mattress and call it home," I replied.
"Shopping makes me happy," he admitted.
"I know. You get high on saving money," I said factually.

He loves talking to me while working out. He shared the results of his blood test. He knows that I have plenty of supportive suggestions to offer, as I have been there.

He is on a mission to reduce his sugar. His medication that he is on for depression spikes his sugar levels. He is doing well and has lost some weight.

We had a discussion about Diet Coke recently. When we first started dating, he told me that he'd take me to a movie and buy me real Coke instead of a generic cola.

"You can tell when a guy is really into you when he buys you real Diet Coke," he hinted.
"That's true. You are into me in more than one way," I said.

We both chuckled. So true.

Blog posts, texting, and gifts

One of the main reason why I haven't posted much these days has been because I have been texting on Skype with my guy. When my guy was in Seattle, we had a three-hour time difference. Luckily, I am a night owl, so we would text at around midnight my time. This period is normally dedicated to my blogging up a storm.

So, I have been moonlighting here and there, trying to find alternative times in the day to blog. It's difficult, especially when I work long hours.

Anyway, I hope to get back to more regular blog posts. This post is a good start.

A week ago, my guy brought back a number of gifts for me. Here they are in no particular order:

• Selfie stick
  I have been fighting getting one. I don't exactly want to join the self-absorbed number out there who take lots of photos of themselves. My guy and I thought that it's helpful to have one when you are travelling alone. We tend to ask other tourists to take our photos, but they don't always turn out as great as you had hoped. I always joke that you can't see the background when I take a selfie because my head is so big. My guy laughs at my remark, but he has always insisted that I exaggerate that point. He says that roughly two-thirds of a person's head is in a selfie.
  
  Anyway, he got me a selfie stick with a button on the stick itself. It's pink (he couldn't find one in purple, so this colour is my next preferred one). I must admit that it is a lot of fun. I will use it when I travel and when I want my guy to be in a photo with me.
  
  He bought this item in Seattle for $10. The same model is double the price in Toronto.
  
• A glass popcorn popper
  To make a long story short, I like small appliances. I already have a popcorn popper. My guy and I were talking about small appliances. I indicated that I wanted a s'mores maker, but they are only sold during the holiday season. I don't get that, considering that you have s'mores when you go camping.
  
  I had mentioned to my guy that he could get me a hot dog maker. He flat out doesn't want me to indulge in hot dogs, which I find delicious. In our conversation, he joked that my wanting a hot dog maker was making him angry and said that I should be punished for bringing that request up. I pouted and my guy caved.
  
  "Why are you saying yes to buying me a hot dog maker?" I asked him.
  "I would buy you anything," my guy said in his sweet way.
  "You're caving," I replied.
  "I know, but I can't be Mr Meanie forever."
  
  Anyway, I like the idea of popping kernels in a glass container in a microwave, without adding oil. So, he bought that for me, which I love.
• Dark chocolate edamame from Trader Joe's
  A couple of years ago, I had mentioned to my guy that I loved dark chocolate edamame. I love edamame and dark chocolate separately. Naturally, I would love them together. My guy went to Trader Joe's for the first time and bought me a couple of boxes.
  
  I had mentioned casually that I was rationing my last box. He brought back two more boxes. I don't have to ration for a while.
  
• LED light for seasonal affective disorder
  My guy suffers from bouts of depression. I get sad now and again, but it is nowhere as serious as what my guy deals with. Instead, my mood goes downhill when it's cloudy outside, especially during the winter.
  
  When I lived in the Central timezone (Manitoba and Minnesota, specifically), there were far more sunny days than there are in southern Ontario. When it's cloudy outside, I feel sluggish and blah.
  
  When my guy and I first started dating, I told him about a light that I strap around my head that improves my mood. It works, but it's not the most comfortable device, especially for someone like me who has bangs and can't see what I am doing. My guy got me a stand LED light that does the same thing, except that it sits on the table next to you. It solves my I-can't-see issue with the headlight strapped around my head.

My guy gives thoughtful gifts. I still have to talk about the gifts that he got me when he was in Mexico.

W is for waiting

When it comes to meeting my guy somewhere, I tend to be the one who waits for him.

My guy isn't always tardy because it's his fault. I may be waiting for him at the airport and his flight is delayed. We may have set a time to meet at a restaurant, but traffic causes us both to be late and I still manage to get there before he does.

My guy and I haven't seen each other for a while. My guy is on an upswing from his recent bout with depression. I have been sad roughly a month after his depression set in due to my ex-hubby's passing, the space that I have given my guy to get out of the depression hole, and the stress that work tends to cause me these days.

When my guy's depression was at its worst two months ago, I was the one who initiated conversation with him. He wanted nothing to do with me for a bit. Things have changed.

He surprised me on Monday by texting me. He asked if I was free to do lunch. I was. I told him that I had to be back at the office by 14:00, for I had set up a meeting with the entire team of writers then. My guy said that he'd get me back in time.

He texted me at 12:45 and asked whether I could meet him in the lobby in two minutes. I was game.

Unfortunately, I bumped into my manager going to the elevators. He, too, had to buy lunch. He suggested that I take him out somewhere. I didn't want to say that I couldn't, but that I did indeed was going out for lunch.

My boss doesn't know that my guy and I are an item. He does know my guy, who was waiting in a corner down in the lobby, staring at his phone. I said hi to him, as did my boss, who understood that I had a lunch date with a colleague who doesn't come to the office as often as he used to. To my guy and me, it was a lunch date.

It was a nice change to have my guy wait for me. When we finally had some time alone while walking to his car, he was checking me out.

"You're all in pink... pink earrings, pink shirt under your black cardigan, and pink toenails. Are you fingernails pink?" he asked me.
"Nope, they're red," I replied, showing him my nails. "My fingernails did match my toenails last week."

Later on in the restaurant, he looked and smiled at me for the longest time.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.
"I am. It has been a while since I saw you," he said, grinning from ear to ear.
"It's nice seeing you smile."

He also noticed that I had cut my bangs. 

When my guy is happy, he notices such details. They are are wonderful signs that he's getting back to his old self.

E is for engaging event -- making an exception by commemorating my wedding anniversary

I don't typically commemorate my wedding anniversary these days, simply because I have been divorced for several years now. I thought that I would make an exception.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. It would have been a milestone.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I was extremely unhappy while married to a man who cared more about himself than those around him. It was difficult living with him. I stayed in the marriage many years too long until I had enough strength to leave it.

My ex-husband proposed to me early in our courtship, which I found odd. It was within a matter of weeks. He wanted to get married immediately. I had started my second of year undergraduate studies. I wasn't ready to get hitched. Instead, I insisted that we get married after I graduated. He was good with that.

We married at Old City Hall in downtown Toronto almost three years later. It wasn't a fancy wedding. It was a civil one. We had two witnesses with us. We said our vows, kissed, and were married.

I remember what I wore. Only my blouse was white. I have never liked a full dress on me, especially when I was fifty pound heavier then than I am now.

We took a cab from the hotel where we were staying in Scarborough to Old City Hall. After we got hitched, we took another cab back.

We started our honeymoon immediately. The first thing he did was have me face down, lying on the bed. He lifted my skirt up and gave me a number of smacks across my panties. They were hard smacks.

My ex-husband was the first person who has ever spanked me. He was the first person that I ever spanked. I lost my virginity to him.

Although he treated me badly as our marriage progressed, I try not to recall all the negative memories that I have. It's difficult, especially when I am a reflective person with a decent memory.

I was happy on my wedding day. It wasn't the wedding that I had dreamed about, but I have never asked for much. It was a good day.

A week later, I graduated from university. My parents and my ex-husband attended my graduation. My ex-husband and I then went to celebrate by having a lovely dinner.

We both learned that beer and ice cream do not mix. I have never done that combination ever since.

My guy and I talk about my ex-hubby now and again. I typically don't bring it up in conversation. It is usually some sort of trigger that causes me to briefly talk about him. My guy never rolls his eyes and tells me to stop talking about the ex-hubby, simply because I don't talk about him much and my guy doesn't mind when I do talk about the ex.

When I told my guy of my ex-husband's death, my guy was the one who asked questions about him and how I was coping. I truly believe that my grieving caused my guy to slowly come out of his depression. We are alike in that we both feel that we can't be depressed simultaneously. At least one of us needs to get the other out of the darkness. I have done that more often for my guy these days. He rarely sees me get to such a stage and reacted immediately when I did last month.

I have learned so much from my ex-hubby. I continue to learn so much from being with him and from living my life with my guy.

Life is definitely better when you are with someone who loves you completely and gets you. It's a mutual sentiment, which is one reason why my relationship with my guy works.

C is for Christian Grey, chat, and eye candy

I have written a handful of posts on the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. I am the proud owner of it on Blu-ray and also have it on my various Apple devices.

I refuse to read the trilogy. The grammar errors would drive me crazy. I like the movie.

Jamie Dornan, who plays Christian Grey, is pleasing to my eyes. Some of his gestures in the movie remind me of my guy.

The way Christian holds Ana's face in his hands is what my guy often does before he kisses me. I suppose that my guy is really my Christian, minus being filthy rich and having a rough childhood.

My guy is my eye candy. Whenever I see him, my heart beats a little faster.

On the weekend, my guy and I chatted on the phone. I was originally on Skype for a while, eating my lunch. I then decided to run some errands. I didn't have Skype open while I was out and about. My guy called me.

"Hey," I answered my cell phone.
"Hey," he replied.
"Is this a long-distance call?" I asked him.
"It is, but my cell phone has coverage," he replied.
"I can get back on Skype," I suggested.
"That would be great. You were on there forty minutes ago."
"I know. I see that you are keeping tabs on me," I teased.

Our chat was an important one. It was nice to chat like we kind of used to when he wasn't sad. Instead, I shared with him the various things that were consuming me. He always knows what to say to me, to comfort me.

He asked that we chat again soon -- that he'd call me. He is definitely becoming his social self again and breaking out of his depression. When he is depressed, he doesn't want to reach out to anyone, which always concerns me.

Tomorrow is our chat day. We are both at home, so it's perfect.

Can we chat?

My guy came back from a business trip on Saturday. I asked him whether he had a good trip to Mexico. Unfortunately, he was too busy working from his hotel to do anything fun.

He asked me whether we could chat soon. He's sweet. It looks like he is slowly coming out of his depression bout. It's a great sign.

He is working from home for the entire week. I am working from home twice this week, so we won't see each other till the weekend.

Why do weekends always take so long to get here? And, when you are finally there, why do weekends go by so quickly? The countdown begins!

T is for talking

My guy suffers from depression. I noticed towards the end of my recent trip with him that it was creeping up.

He goes through a stage in which he does not want to talk to anyone. It is quite the challenge, considering that he trains people for a living. He would rather be by himself. It is his way to cope with how he feels.

As for me, I find it difficult to give him the space to cope, without making him feel the extra pressure of being with me. Yet, I still want him to talk to me, so I know that he is okay. I don't think that not talking to anyone is healthy.

I don't like to see him this way. He has admitted that he has to work his way out of it. I am there for support, but it is difficult for me not to take how he is personally when he withdrawals from chatting with me and others. It helped that we talked it out on Friday night.

He is okay with having chats with me after work. I am glad that I am an exception. Next week, he is actually a trainee. I am hoping that he feels like his normal self soon.

Even in his current state, he managed to look at my seafoam-coloured nail polish on my fingers and say that he liked the polish. It's definitely an encouraging sign.

Wednesday kiss and dill

As many of you know, I write for a living. My writing style on my blog is far different than what I write about at work. With the latter, I am generally describing to readers how to perform various hardware and software tasks.

It's different on my blog. I write to share what has happened to me recently. I'm not telling anyone to do anything. I am simply writing about my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I then share them with you.

I found this draft post, which is dated April 16, 2014. My guy was still battling depression, but he seemed to be slowly getting out of that dark period. We were still working at the old office.

Here goes...

I met my guy for lunch at our usual Chinese restaurant. We circled the parking lot together. I pointed to a parking spot for him. I ended up parking a bit further.

He waited for me, and then we walked into the restaurant together. It was packed. We are regulars there. We got a table wiped down quickly. We are always greeted promptly.

I ordered the lemon chicken. He went with the broccoli chicken.

Our chat was good. I teased him about ironing, removing stains from his clothing, and attempting to find his car at Costco.

He noticed my blue sweater that I was wearing and said that it looked new. I think that he is slowly coming out of his depression.

I teased him some more to the point where he playfully tossed his napkin at me. I couldn't help but to grab his hand. We held hands across the table. It was nice.

He wore a light blue, checkered shirt. He confessed that he was getting tired of ironing. It's sort of surprising. He is good at ironing and rarely finds it to be a chore. However, he is more into convenience these days. He'd rather wear something that doesn't require hauling out the ironing board and iron.

We drove back to the office in our respective cars. I must have beat him to it by a large margin. I didn't see his car in sight.

After work, I dropped by the training room. We talked about instant ginger tea. I teased him some more about his need for exerting the least amount of energy to perform tasks. It was a nice chat.

I closed the door. I caressed his head. He got up and wanted to give me a hug. It felt good.

I asked if i could kiss him. He was fine with that. I kissed him on the cheek. He played with my right cheek by sliding his hand in my navy blue pant pocket. He was groping me. I was playing with his chest.

He told me that he felt guilty for not making me feel good. I told him that it was okay under the circumstances. He was making me wet as he continued to grope my buttock.

He looked at me longingly. He initiated a kiss on the lips. It was a nice, long kiss. I got to lick his lips. They were so full and sweet.

My guy has to work on Good Friday. I asked if I could join him for lunch and crash his training session, as I didn't have anything planned that day. He was game.

He shared his cabbage rolls stuffed with rice with me. It had dill in it. I loved them. He learned that I have a love for dill. He said that he didn't even notice it.

My guy often eats without knowing what he has eaten. He smiled when I called him out on it.

I told him about Applebee's and how I used to order the chicken fingers. The place had honey dill dipping sauce. It went away and I was crushed. Luckily, I can make my own whenever I want to.

We left work an hour later. We embraced before we parted and headed home. Both the taste of his sweet lips and of dill lingered as I licked my lips.

Depression and a movie

It saddened me to hear about Robin Williams's passing. He was too young to take his own life. May he rest in peace.

Depression is an illness. My guy has been talking about his battle with depression often, which I welcome. It does worry me when he doesn't open up, because it is difficult to tell how he is feeling. However, we talk often and he knows that I am there for him whenever he needs a good listener.

What is my favourite Robin Williams movie? Well, there are so many to choose from. I must admit that I love Dead Poets Society.

I was in high school when this movie came out. My closest friends and I hit the movie theatre to watch it. We all loved it. It was inspiring, moving, tragic, funny, and more.

I actually have Robert Sean Leonard's autograph, who went on to star in House. I could identify with Ethan Hawke's character in the movie, for I was a fairly quiet person who didn't enjoy public speaking back then. These days, I can't shut up!

Of course, this movie has a paddling scene. I secretly wanted to be paddled. I never told anyone that I liked this scene. Now, you all do.

I own this movie on VHS. Yes, I even have a dual VHS player, thanks to living in the States and watching QVC. I don't even know if GoVideo is still kicking around, but my double-decker VHS system still works.

Unfortunately, I am not sure where I put this movie, but I need to dig it up. Otherwise, I will need to get with the times by either downloading it off iTunes or getting a DVD version.

He has come (and returned, too)

Last Sunday, my guy and I engaged in phone sex. This fact would typically not be a huge newsflash. We have been doing it since we became an item.

For the past few months, my guy has been battling depression. He has always felt bad that my needs were not being satisfied because he simply didn't feel like doing much.

As of late, he has been pleasuring me, but he doesn't feel like my reciprocating is needed.

"Do you want to climax today?" he asked me over Skype.
"It would be nice, but it's not fun if you don't with me," I replied.
"Maybe we should both try," he said, which got my attention.
"Do you really want to today? You don't have to, unless you truly want to."
"I think that I can. Let's try."

It didn't take long for both of us. He is back.

For me to reach orgasm consisted of him telling me that he would spank me for being so bad for weeks. He ejaculated when I told him that I wanted to suck him and play with his balls simultaneously.

He's definitely on the mend. It's nice to welcome him back.

Travel, epost, and a spanking threat

I am getting back into the swing of things. I haven't written much lately. It's partly because it's difficult to write about anything when my guy hasn't been his cheerful self. Being depressed does that to anyone. He is improving, which is encouraging.

We both have been travelling these days. Yesterday, he returned from a two-week business trip in India. I took a few days off from work and went to Atlantic City. My guy can't handle the spices in various East Indian dishes. I will write about those episodes in another post.

He called me on Skype a couple of times on Sunday. I decided to sleep in, eventually waking up at 10:00. It's weird, but I must have known somehow that he had wanted to contact me.

I eventually got out of bed and walked into the den. I was logged on to Skype overnight. He said hi through a text at 10:00. He then tried again a minute before I got to my phone, wondering whether I had decided to hit a bakery early Sunday morning. It makes my day when he says hi like that. I texted him back. Moments later, we were on Skype chatting away.

His mood is a lot brighter these days. He isn't completely out of the dark, though. He told me that he wanted to delete his porn collection. I have never objected to his collection. Frankly, we often watch them together. He used to get off watching them. Being depressed, he simply doesn't care much for them and felt that deleting everything would be good.

It's kind of sad in that he first shared various videos with me when we were first dating. However, I still have fond memories of us watching them. Instead, when we are together in the same city, we watch regular movies while we cuddle together. It's not all that bad!

He asked me a work-related question just before we ended our conversation. I told him that I had forwarded an e-mail about how to get your pay stubs to automatically go to your epost account months ago. I said in an exasperated voice that I had to do more work for him and that he was too lazy to check his e-mail.

"How about I take you to lunch tomorrow, after I land at the airport and get to the office?" he asked me.
"But, you're always nice to treat me to lunch," I replied.
"How about I give you a big kiss?" he asked, upping the ante.
"Okay. But, what if I say no?"
"You can't say no. I'd have to punish you."
"We'll see. I'm safe for now."

I like when he threatens to spank me. It makes my entire day.

My guy is back for a bit

It has been weeks since my guy and I have seen each other. Although he is still battling depression, I continue to see signs of improvement.

He wrote to me on Sunday night. He initiated writing the e-mail, asking whether I wanted to do lunch with him on Monday. He remembered that I am in the office for the entire day on Mondays. He also said that he would call me at 12:30 pm to confirm.

They may not seem like huge details to most. They are to me. He didn't feel like writing or talking to me weeks ago. He wasn't interested in doing anything social. He wanted to be alone. He also didn't want to give me a call. He preferred to communicate with me through Skype messaging if he felt like it.

I wrote back, saying that I would meet him downstairs in the lobby. He bettered that. He was waiting for me in his car, which was just outside the main doors of our office building. It was gusty outside. I walked out of the building and felt like I was being blown away. I opened the passenger door, which seemed to just swing viciously open. Getting in his car and shutting the door felt like a chore.

He immediately placed a gift on my lap. He is thoughtful. We talked the whole way to our usual hangout -- the Chinese restaurant up the road. I admired his yellow-and-brown-striped shirt that he had bought from Costco while in St. Louis. This city is special to the both of us. It was our first trip together. It was the first time where we slept together in the same bed. It wasn't a treehouse setting when we made love. We had a lot of fun there.

We walked into the restaurant, sat down, and ordered our meals. I asked if it was okay for me to open my gifts. He got me a flat, purple wallet. I tend to like anything that is purple, but a flat wallet is nice in that it forces me to not have as many plastic cards in it. He included a slice of iced lemon pound cake from Starbucks that I love. Unfortunately, Starbucks in Canada does not offer it. As a result, it becomes an imported delicacy. He also got some nice chocolates. He is equally as sweet.

We chatted and laughed. We enjoyed teasing each other. He was in a cheerful mood. I told him that he was definitely happier than I last remember him being. He agreed.

After lunch, we headed back to his car. He was stopped in the parking lot and about to make a right turn. I remarked at how perfect his head was and wanted to caress it. He always laughs, but loves when I caress his head, especially when it has been shaved. So, he took off his hat and I indulged. He laughed, but we both know that we enjoy it. It's a sign of affection.

We made it back to work. We were both happy. All is well.

Sticking it out

The it in the title isn't meant to be a tongue-and-cheek innuendo of sorts. It is kind of clever if it were!

My guy and I met for lunch on Wednesday. His mood was much better. He says that he always smiles when he sees me. I think that I made him laugh a lot.

Our conversation over lunch was a good one. It took him a bit longer to get into his normal chatty self, but it was definitely a better conversation than we had on Monday.

What probably improved the quality was that I took the time out on Tuesday afternoon to write to him and share my insight on my experience battling depression. More importantly, I told him that I wanted to support him and to be there for him if he wanted to talk. I told him that I love him and admired how strong he was to tell me that he was depressed.

Although he is depressed and has lost his interest in a number of areas, including engaging in sex, I can tell that he still loves me. He knew that there was a heat draft directly under our table at the restaurant and suggested that we move, because I am a warm-bodied person. I told him that it was okay. My guy gets cold. I could simply roll up my sleeves if I started to feel warm.

He looked at my beige sweater and asked if it was new. I told him that he has seen it before, but I haven't worn it for a while. I had to remind him that he once told me that my erect nipple was showing underneath it. That detail jogged his mind. He remembered the breeze that day. I told him that he was the cause of my nipple getting all excited. My sweater was also larger on me than I had last remembered. He told me that larger is a good thing. I asked whether he was truly talking about sweaters, which made us both laugh.

He surprised me with a gift from Madrid. He got me castanets. He showed me how to place the strings on my thumbs and to try them out. It was a lot of fun. I felt like a lobster or crab for a bit.

After work, I headed to my car. His car was still there. I decided to lock my laptop bag in my car and to head to the training room. I dropped by to visit him. We had a decent chat about our day.

I asked him if I could give him a hug. He liked that. It was a nice twenty-second hug.

"Thank you, sweetness," he whispered in my right ear.
"I think that you need one," I replied.

After we unlocked from our embrace, he looked at me, with a huge smile on his face. I touched his face and was pleased that he was smiling on his own. He told me that I am still so sweet.

Baby steps. It will take a while for him to get out of his depressed state. All I can do is to be there and support him while he battles out of it.

My guy and his depression

My guy and I have talked about depression in the past. We have both had our bouts. However, mine have not been as lengthy as his can be.

He is currently going through a lengthy depression. It has lasted for nearly three months.

I have noticed a demise in his interests. We don't engage in sex as much as we used to. I haven't been spanked in weeks. We haven't talked much while we were both away on different business trips. Ever since I moved away from his cubicle at the office, he rarely goes to his. He hardly comes up to see me at my cubicle, preferring to stay in the training room.

Last Wednesday, he decided to connect with me on Skype at 18:30. Wednesdays are my longest days and I was heading home. He was on Facebook an hour earlier. I confronted him on the fact that he first apologized for not being online. Yet, he was indeed on Facebook. He said that he was swamped with work. I told him that I wanted to believe him, but his hours on Facebook did not add up.

He told me that he didn't feel like socializing. I suppose that it's a bit ironic that he decided to spend hours on a social network. Then again, I get what he meant. He wanted alone time, which meant being in front of his laptop. Throwing himself into his work is one symptom of being depressed. I do that often when I am depressed.

I told him that I felt that he was pushing me away. He admitted that he just feels anti-social. He still wants to go out for lunch with me. It is unfair for me to "wait" for him, as he barely communicates with me. Part of me wants to just call it quits.

I am not like that, though. He needs to know that I am there for support. It is completely different than thinking that I could possibly cure him of mental illness, which is completely out of my league. He needs help. I can love him and support him. I can't cure him. Professionals need to help him.

He told me to think about having lunch with him on Wednesday. Although he doesn't exhibit wanting or needing me these days, which is understandable under the circumstances, he still shows me that he wants to be with me. This little detail is an important one.

I need to insist that we go out for lunch when he is in town. I have a feeling that he hasn't been working out as often as he used to, so I need to suggest that he return to an activity that he enjoys. I also need to get his mind off being sad and to have him be more active.

I asked him if it was a particular thing that he was depressed about. Nope. He is just in a long, depressed state. Four years ago, he was on medication for a year and it took forever for him to get off it. The side effects were not pleasant for him. I still think that he needs to talk to a professional. If not, he needs to talk it out and talk things through, when he is ready. I reassured him that I am all ears when he feels like opening up to me.

He has opened up. Most men would not flat out say that they are depressed. He is comfortable with me that he can simply tell me so. I don't want him to isolate himself or to think that he is alone. He is not.

Sorry for the rather low tone to this post. It is my outlet to describe what is going on in my life -- both the happy and trying times.