Sore left buttock, reflections of being single, and my staycation coming to an end

I did CPR exercises a couple of days ago. It required doing 30 chest compressions, followed by two breaths. I did this cycle five times. I was doing it on a mannequin.

Kneeling on the floor and doing these exercises has caused me to use muscles that I don't normally use. Oddly, my left lower buttock is achy. It's almost as if I was spanked in that area.

I still miss being spanked. It occurred to me that this Christmas will be the first without having a partner to love. To cuddle up to. To kiss.

It's perfectly okay. It isn't everything. I am thrilled that I am in good health. I am happy to be alive. I am grateful for getting this far.

Being in a hotel room allows me to relax and reflect. I like the idea of driving to work in 25 minutes. It has been great watching TV, which I don't normally do. This change has been refreshing.

Tomorrow, I check out and return home. I hope to do another staycation again soon.

Stronger - then and now

When Kelly Clarkson's song, Stronger, came out back in 2011, it became my anthem on multiple levels.

I was dealing with a colleague who was incompetent. It seems to still be the trend at my workplace these days. This guy was originally my manager. He had issues doing his job. Sleeping on the job will do that. Eventually, he made enemies with everyone, including me, and decided to leave the company.

I was going a back issue during this ordeal. I ended up getting back surgery to remove a disk that was causing a ton of numbness and pressure down my right leg. My guy and I became a couple just before I had surgery. Stronger became my song to get better and be my best self.

Frankly, I stopped tearing up a week ago. I was driving home from work and Stronger came on the radio. The lyrics hit me. It's okay to be sleep alone. The bed does feel warmer. It doesn't mean that I am over because you're gone.

It's trying to find the person that I was before the relationship. I have found her. I am hopefully wiser after this relationship, but I am strong and I will be okay.

In a past post, I had mentioned that I deserve better. I do, both in a romantic relationship and in a friendship. I am perfectly fine walking away from my friendship with him. I don't need to deal with his indecisiveness.

Last Friday, we had lunch together. There were a couple of hints that he still has feelings for me, but I didn't act on them.

"I have always loved your purple nail polish," he said.
"It's not the same colour. The one that you are referring to is long gone. I used the bottle up," I replied.

As we walked out of the restaurant, he touched my lower back. He hasn't done that in ages. I am thinking that it is habit more than anything.

When we got to the office, I simply said, "See you whenever," and walked away. It's exactly how I feel. I am not waiting for you. I don't want us to get back together. It's over. I am moving on and seeking someone who loves and respects me.

As for diving into a relationship, I'm not ready yet. I am going to enjoy some time to myself. If something happens, I'll figure it out then. Right now, I can't handle being in a relationship.